i dont belong anywhere that i can find. and in searching for somewhere to belong, i have lost any mild sense of belonging, community, or comfort that i had before. my hometown isnt home anymore. i sleep in someones closet when im here. my best friends have drifted. i thought that i may have had something, but i was mistaken. four years ago i let someone in, and they didnt deserve it. abused it. so i pulled in again. then i got over it, now i tried to let someone in, and it didnt even get to that point. i had only really just begun to let them in, and it went bad. or at least, i find out tomorrow if its gone bad, but i think its a pretty solid conclusion.
i came here with so much to say. i had an order, a solid outline in my head. wanted to get this down, now im grasping at straws. this is probably why my fiction writing was always so bad, i cant keep focus.
was my best friends bachelor party last night. was able to keep it together the whole time, then lost it on the way home. im ashamed of myself.
i cant bother him with these things. even if i felt like i could, hes getting married in two weeks, i have no business throwing things like this at him at a time like this.
the other day i thought to myself "maybe now, finally, i will go to the doctor. i will get medicated." i remember reading something, quite a few years ago, maybe on OD where a girl said "i so sincerely regret waiting until my 30's to get medicated. i wasted all of my teen years and twenties overcome by depression and now, with my medication, i am ok. i regret having wasted all those years only because i was too scared or stubborn to go"
that has stuck with me. but what has also stuck, is david foster wallace. when he went off his meds, he plunged into a worse depression than he ever had before. so he went back on them, and they didnt work anymore. he changed them again and again and they still didnt work and he eventually hanged himself. somedays, i am so close to the edge that if it were possible to lost my meds, and then slip deeper, i know i wouldnt make it. i dont make much money. what would happen if things were going well, and i was happy, then i went broke? that happens often enough. probably almost once a year am i so broke i cant put gas in my truck. and when that happens (which it will) will i lose my prescription? will i slip back, further, and not be able to recover? as i am now, i can survive. im not happy, and i cry a lot, and im unstable, but i can continue. what if i lose that? i dont want to die. i just dont want to feel like this. i wouldnt be able to take feeling worse than this.
but thats all a pipe dream anyways. i dont have insurance. i should, its the law now, but i dont.
im very lonely. i know that for a lot of that, i only have myself to blame, but i dont know how to fix it. im trying so hard to not be negative, but its hard. im trying to look on the bright side. i dont complain much, i stay active physically and mentally, i try to move forward. but i feel so alone. my best friend is getting married, and his wife is his life now. the same happened to my other friends. families or girlfriends. i dont blame them, but it leaves me alone.
i came here with so much to say. i have no idea how to say any of it. i cant get any of it into words. turns out, this was just a waste of time
Loading comments...