Oh the monster. in (W)hole

I am running out of energy to deal with this kid.

She is just so difficult. I understand that her infancy was traumatic and she was neglected and mistreated and that it caused her brain to be wired differently. I truly do. I’ve taken all the child development classes and all the trainings, I’ve read about RAD, I know. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Even knowing it isn’t her fault doesn’t make me feel any more compassion towards her when she’s being a monster.

She legit will just greet the other kids with “Go to Hell.” when they say good morning to her. No reason. I cuss like a sailor, but I never even say that phrase, so where did she pick that up??

Yesterday she took Ariel’s DIY craft project “make your own tumbler cup” and smashed it into the sidewalk to break it (she cracked it really bad) because Ariel was being “bossy and mean,” which translates to “Ariel wouldn’t do exactly what I wanted when I wanted to do it.” She knew she was in the wrong, so instead of coming to find an adult, she decided to chase Ariel (and Parker) and scream at them, then found Ariel’s cup outside and grabbed it and tried to break it. THEN, we call her into the house to talk about it, and she immediately starts lying saying that Ariel and Parker told her she belongs in a dump. This is what she always says when she’s in trouble for lashing out at someone for no reason - they said I belong in a dump. Nobody has ever said this to her. She just uses it as her excuse to do mean hurtful things to others.

The child is exhausting. She’ll be 8 soon, and she’s almost bigger than Ariel (who is almost 3 years older) and she weighs more already. She’s a good 20# heavier than Parker, and she is most definitely capable of hurting him badly. And sometimes she does… she’ll pinch him or twist his arms/hands/legs whatever and squeeze him while twisting as far as she can. I literally think she will kill us one day, not kidding. Once she gets a bit bigger I feel like we’ll need to lock our bedroom door at night. Not kidding.

And I know that Chanel is committed to this child, she’s been this kid’s mom since she was a year old. But I’m at the point where I don’t feel like I can keep handling this, and I don’t think it’s fair to our other kids. She takes up SO much of our time and energy and patience, we have nothing left to give the other kids. We can’t just go out and do fun things, enjoy the kids and their childhood, because Addisyn ruins it. She screams the whole time, or hurts people, or scowls and throws tantrums. She will get special events cancelled with her behavior so that the other kids end up having to miss out. We have weekly meetings with her mental health team, her therapist, her case worker, etc. She goes to weekly groups with the program that provides her wrapround services. She has 3-4 weekly therapy sessions. None of it makes a difference. It never has. She’s been in various therapies since she was 13 months old. She doesn’t care about other people’s feelings in any way, shape, or form.

I’ve met a lot of kids in my lifetime, working at child care centers and preschools and elementary schools, but she is the toughest kid I’ve ever known. It’s impossible to enjoy her. She thinks jokes about death and violence are hilarious and she loves to come up with “what if” questions about people dying or being killed. “Well what if you turned into a cow so someone killed you and ate you? HAHAHAA!!” ....psycho.path.

but actually. for real.

SIGH.