Do it right. in General Chatterboxing

I keep feeling like im failing. At everything. At doing anything RIGHT. I realize right can be subjective, and in my case it is. But i want things to happen in a particular way and not getting it done that way, or at all is bothering me greatly. For instance. Living in this cabin. In my opinion is no way to have children. I dont feel its ever clean enough. Size wise alone, its unhealthy to be this on top of people at all times! Im sure plenty of people could manage. and im managing, but im tired of it. I want a house. I want my own space. I hate my belongings being in storage to where i cant get to them easy. The floors. Have me in a state of panic. How can i have a child who will start crawling on floors like in this place. We need REAL floors. To the tune of 6K. For the cheaper stuff. Then you get to what i feel are health hazzards. The heating system. The improper insulation issues. The water problems.

This baby. I wanted a nursery. I wanted to decorate. I wanted to have enough space to buy as many baby clothes as i wanted and be able to hang them up or see them. Not stuffed in storage bags. Stacked. Hoping i can use them all before shes outgrown them. I have too many clothes for sure. I dont have her carseat which is driving me insane. Or nursing bras. Or a ton of little things. Its making me so mad.

Money issues. It all comes back to money. Moving here was supposed tos ave us money. Of course we didnt realize the implications of how much it would cost to repair. Even half assed fast repairs that we try to make. Make a mess. I dont have the energy or drive to get crap done inside or out. And no help to do the things that i need done. Like load the dump trailer to go do a trash run. Then it costs to do that. And we just dont have the money right now.

We underestimated the difficulties in transitioning from getting some public assistance help to none. We chose to turn it off. We could have kept it on, but we turned it off. And now learning to do without is hard. Right now everything seems hard. Maybe harder because im hurting so bad? I was lifting stuff and it sets me back a day. How fair is that. I go on a walk and cant move the next day. Sigh, im pushing to hard. But not hard enough at the same time. I need a medium and havent found it yet. Course im running out of TIME too! SIgh. Whatever, ill survive.