7/10/2022 in My Dearest Husband Diaries

My dearest husband …

How did you turn my life turn into a Jerry Springer episode? Why did you do this to me? Am I such a terrible person that you felt this was your only way out? Why? Why? Why?!

You destroyed my life. Everything that was me, every reason I had for waking up each morning, is now gone, except for my daughter. I have lost my husband; I’ve lost my best friend in the entire world; I’ve lost my little family unit; I’ve lost my In-Laws; the list goes on and on. All because of you and your adultery. You did this to me.

Losing my In-Laws stings. It hurts. I feel bereft. They were such a major part of my life these past 30 years and now they are gone as well. These people who accepted me, welcomed me, loved me, and supported me all these years, act as if I no longer exist. All because of you.

My mother-in-law told our daughter that they still love me, still want me to be a part of the family, still consider me to be their daughter-in-law, but they are mad at me right now. The hell? Supposedly they are mad at me for putting so much of their private family business on social media. 

• 1 - I did not put THEIR personal, private, family business on social media.
• 2 - I put MY personal business on my social media. Read that again: MY personal business.
• 3 - You did not destroy their lives, just mine. They still have their spouses, their families, their lives. I am the only one who lost everything.
• 4 - Read number 2 again.

I get that they are embarrassed and ashamed of you, their son/brother/nephew/uncle, because of you cheating on me. Especially because they know The Whore’s husband. My father-in-law used to bowl and golf with her husband before he was confined to his wheelchair. So yes, my father-in-law is mortified that his son did the unthinkable and slept with, and is now living with, not just another man’s wife, but with his friend’s wife. Who in their right mind would not want to keep that a secret? Everyone would, so I understand that. But sweeping it under the rug as if it does not exist is just as detrimental as condoning it is, if not worse. This secret will never go away. Even when The Whore dumps my dearest husband, he will still forever be known as “That’s Vern’s boy - the one who cheated on his wife with Brent’s wife and shacked up with Brent’s wife. Yep, that’s the same Brent, Vern’s old bowling/golfing buddy.” 

I have a brother who cheated on his wife and got the mistress pregnant. He left his wife, and 18-month-old son, for the pregnant mistress. Our family was devastated over that. So, I get their embarrassment, their shame, their humiliation because I too have been there. I know exactly how they are feeling. But I did not abandon his wife. For almost a year I called her every day to check on her. I never turned my back on her. I did everything in my power to let her know I still loved her and I supported her. It has been 20 years since that happened and to this day my loyalty is with her, not the mistress. Yes, he is still with his mistress, because of their daughter. And yes, he is still legally married to his wife. But that is an entirely separate entry for another day. 

Again, I understand all too well their emotions. I do not understand how my In-Laws could abandon me. Unless they too have been lying to me all these years and never really wanted me to be a part of their family? How cruel would that be?

How apropos, as well, because let’s face it, the theme for my life currently is: Let us find all the ways to destroy Sassy; let her know how unloved she is and always has been; take away everything that made her her; be as cruel and vindictive to her, just because.  

The punches just keep rolling in, my dearest husband. You are hell bent damned and determined on your destruction. And all because I stopped giving you blow jobs? How petty can you be? I could understand your determination to ruin everything for me if I had been the one to cheat on you; if I was an alcoholic or drug user; if I had physically or emotionally abused you; if I had been gambling all of our money away or even just spending our money frivolously therefore causing us to live paycheck-to-paycheck; if I abused our daughter; or any other horrible thing that is worthy of you doing this to me. Every time I have asked why, your only answer has been that you fell out of love with me about 5+ years ago when I stopped giving you blow jobs and our sex life decreased. Seriously? THAT is the best reason you can come up with to justify your adultery? I would have never dreamed you could be so petty. 

Or lame. Because let’s be honest here. If that is the worst thing(s) about me that you could come up with to justify your adultery, what does that say about me? Obviously, I was a good wife. All your issues with me were just that … all YOUR issues. YOU were the reason for your unhappiness, not me. You threw me away for greener pastures. You do not realize it now, but one day you will see just how good of a wife I truly was to you, and you will regret your actions. God will make sure of that.

It does not matter if you are an atheist. You broke one of the 10 Commandments, and you will have to answer to Him for that one day.

Maybe one day my In-Laws will stop ignoring my attempts to reach out to them so we can talk & clear the misunderstandings. I have no problem apologizing for any of my actions that may have caused them harm. I do not deliberately set out to hurt people. I am human, though. I do make mistakes. I just prefer to own my mistakes and make amends for them. 

Unfortunately, when they do finally decide to reach out to me, it will be too late. It’s been since April 28 when I made my first FB post that upset them, and they have yet to discuss it with me, or any others made since then. I have called them, I’ve messaged them on FB, I’ve texted them. I am no longer begging for them to acknowledge me, to love me. Our bridges are currently on fire. You had the chance and your actions told me you no longer wanted me. I deserve to be treated better.

The worst part? My daughter is in the middle of all this. As hard as I have tried to keep her out of it, between you, my dearest husband, and them, she is still caught in the middle. You, my dearest husband, have her playing your gopher - “When you go home bring back xyz that I left behind and take it to my parents/sister & I will pick it up from them.” Uh, how about you ask your daughter to meet you somewhere and get it from her yourself so that way you can see her & spend time with her? Oh, that’s right, you won’t give up any of your time with your precious Whore for your daughter. Pretty sad when you put a stranger you have only known on a personal level for 4+ months, a whore, ahead of your daughter. Wonder if that will earn you Father of the Year? I mean, you only live 1 hour away from your daughter now. How inconvenient is it to arrange a lunch/dinner date with your daughter? Is it because she refuses to acknowledge your Whore and has told you that if you bring your Whore anywhere near her, she will disown you, and you, nor any member of your family, will ever lay eyes on her, ever again? Talk about a temper tantrum of epic proportions! You do not deserve your daughter. And one day, when you are all alone because your Whore dumped you again, you are going to want your daughter to fill the empty void in your life, and she will no longer be there, because you threw her away, just like you threw me away, just like you threw our family unit away. How is the greener grass doing for you now, Asshole? And would you stop texting her, turning my FB posts into all about you, please and thank you. Yes, you are the reason behind most of my posts. And yes, the truth hurts. But trying to turn them around and trying to convince her that I am the evil one for making the post, is putting her in the middle as well. She already knows about my posts before I post them. Since she is the only one left in my life, she is the only one who is helping me on my healing journey, I discuss my thoughts and feelings with her. She may not always agree with what I post but she knows how important it is to me to make the posts; how important they are to my recovery from the damage you caused me, my dearest husband. 

And them, my In-Laws? They are just as bad. Talking to her about my posts, letting her know how upset they are with me. Do you really think she likes discussing them with you when you should be discussing them with me? Talk about being a hypocrite! Do you realize that your abandonment of me has her so upset that she is contemplating removing herself from your family? She told me that she does not want to be associated with a family of traitors; if they could turn their back on me, then they could just as easily turn their backs on her. She has even gone so far as to tell me that she is also considering changing her last name to my maiden name just so she can put as much distance between them and her as possible.

As a mother, I am so proud of her wanting to take a stand for what is right, what is fair. I feel like I raised her right. At the same time, it breaks my heart. These are her family members. Her blood. It is never a good thing when you lose family. She spent so much time growing up missing out on time with them because we lived so far from them. She is finally near them and has spent the past two college years cementing her bond with them. It would be detrimental to lose them now.

But it is ultimately her decision, not mine. I told her I support her either way. I will never keep her from them, I will never make her choose between me or them. As much as it will hurt to be excluded from them, I will not deny her them, if that is what she wants. She is the most important thing in all of this. She means more to me than pettiness. I will deny myself of her before I deny her of them.

Last updated July 10, 2022