My dearest husband ... in My Dearest Husband Diaries

It’s been 12 weeks, 4 days since you destroyed my life.

It’s been 5 weeks, 3 days since you left.

It feels more like eternity that I have been living this nightmare.

How could you cheat on me? How could you abandon me for that married whore?

You were my forever. My one-and-done. My everything.

And in the blink of an eye, you are gone. 30 years gone, as if they did not ever exist.

We didn’t have the chance to grow apart, grow distant from one another. Even though that is the lie you are telling everyone.

I woke up on April 7 just as much in love with you and commited to our marriage as I was the day we got married. And in a matter of hours, life as I knew it no longer existed.

You say you started falling out of love with me over 5 years ago because I stopped giving blow jobs and our sex life decreased. Are you kidding me? 

For over 5 years you had been planning the demise of our marriage while simultaneously telling me you were still in love with me, our marriage was secure. You never once let on you were delibertly misleading me. I had no clue you were gaslighting me.

And here I am, all alone, while you are living your new life with your trailerpark white trash whore.

You are “in love” with a whore who abandoned her disabled husband - he’s in a wheel chair & can’t even drive himself to the store to buy groceries for him and their son.

You are “in love” with a whore who not only abandoned her wheelchair bound husband, but also thier 30 year old mentally disabled son.

You are “in love” with this whore who has the shittiest character known to man? 

You are “in love” with this whore who has cheated on her husband time and again. Wait, let me guess, it’s different with you. She “loves” you therefore she will never cheat on you. Am I right? 

How did my life turn into a Jerry Springer episode?

My therapist insists I need to get back into writing. I used to do so on a regular basis. But then I became to busy to keep up with it and I let it go. I’ve missed it these past 8 years. Now that I no longer have a husband, or marriage, or family to take care of, I guess I have all the time in the world now.

But I can’t get my mind to cooperate. My thoughts are all over the place. I can’t concetrate on any given subject to give it the justice it needs to write about it.

You’ve been warned that my thoughts are sparodic and all over the place. Welcome to the inside of my head.

I can’t concentrate.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t eat.

I don’t want to crawl out of bed each morning and face this new life.

I don’t want to crawl into bed each night, a bed filled with memories of us.

I don’t want to go to work.

I don’t want to talk to anyone.

I don’t want to leave my appartment.

I don’t want to come home each evening to an empty apartment. I’ve never lived on my own before, and it is the worst feeling in the world knowing I am all alone now.

I can’t handle all these memories in this apartment.

I can’t handle all these memories at work.

I can’t handle all these memories driving my car.

I don’t …

I can’t …

This is so hard, so difficult. I am stuck in a state with no family, no friends, just co-workers. I am truly alone.

I don’t .... 

I can’t ....

But I do. 

For my daughter. I have to set the example for her. I have to be the example for her.

If not for her, I would not be doing this anymore.

But there is her, so here I am. For her. She is all I have left worth living for.