The Start of the Journey in The Beginning of the End

My husband and I have been together for years. I thought we’d been mostly happy despite life events outside our control.

A lot has happened over the course of our marriage - family estrangement resulting in several extremely stressful civil court cases, unemployment, mental health problems, debt, cross-country house moves, running a business, both going back into education to get degrees, a schizophrenic adult-child - we’ve weathered the storms, but it’s taken its toll.

Things haven’t been right for a while. He’s been openly miserable and I haven’t had the energy to care. I’m so fatigued by everything, I’m running on reserves, conserving what little I have to support our daughter through a succession of episodes whilst trying to concentrate on my education.

I suggested separation a few weeks ago, and we compromised on living apart - he commutes long distance to work anyway, so living closer eased a lot of problems. I would have space to recharge, he’d have space to recharge, we’d be a Visiting Couple.

Yesterday morning, whilst away visiting friends, he crossed a boundary that I found unforgivable involving his toxic family- I don’t want to go into details now but likely will in the future.

I text him and said I didn’t want him to come home, it was finished for me and there was no going back. I told him he could contact me via email to discuss logistics of collecting his things and then blocked him everywhere. I filed for divorce online. It went from 0-100 in the space of an hour.

We’ve never so much as argued before now. I don’t know why, but something in me snapped. Everything we’ve been through, everything we’re going through, I hit my limit. I didn’t understand my reaction in the moment, just knew I couldn’t cope with it any longer and I needed to hit the eject button.

Today I had time to process what has happened, and realised I’ve been unconsciously ignoring a lot of things that shouldn’t have been ignored to keep the peace, and it exploded.

The reason we never argue is because if I ever so much as voice my feelings or concerns, he shuts me down with what-about-isms, sulking, stonewalling, and telling me I’m being spiteful or unkind or using a tone he doesn’t like.

I single-handedly financially supported us from the beginning of our relationship right up until 6 months ago due to his failing business, unemployment, education, and low graduate-wages. He never paid a single bill other than his personal expenses- rent, utilities, our daughter’s costs, food, entertainment, everything fell on my shoulders. Even now he only covers my paltry personal expenses and a token amount for his ‘keep’ which barely covers the heating bill, and that is done reluctantly with grumbles about how he doesn’t have any money. He’s never once been grateful, instead resentfully comparing us to his more successful friends as though what I’ve provided isn’t good enough.

The household is entirely my responsibility - he’ll occasionally run the vacuum around, or take the trash out, then tells me in detail about the chore as though he deserves a round of applause. He leaves plates where he’s sat. Empty toilet roll inners will be left to pile up. When he bothers to cook, everything will just be dumped in the sink left for me to put in the dishwasher. He changes clothes twice a day so the laundry is constantly overflowing. It’s not like this has happened since he started working full-time, it was the same when I worked full-time and he was unemployed then when he was a student.

I’ll never forget the time I came home from work one evening. It was a gruelling job where I had to be up at 4am, stood at a bus stop in the middle of winter in freezing pouring rain, on my feet all day, only to get the bus back and walk in the door at 7.45pm. He’d cooked dinner and I was so grateful until he said “Don’t expect this every night, I don’t have time with studying.” He was an online student. Our daughter later confided that he spent at least 5 hours a day playing computer games.

He relies on me heavily for emotional support, but whenever I need it, there’s just an empty space.

I realised that he looks down on me, thinks I’m beneath him because I didn’t have an expensive private education and grew up in a rough area. The woman who has financially supported him is beneath him.

It clicked how pathetic it all is earlier this afternoon when I pulled on a sweater and remembered he’d bought it for me on a rare day-trip, and I felt ungrateful and guilty. Like he didn’t deserve the way I treated him because he bought me a sweater.

Typing these words out makes me feel so disloyal. My emotions are a rollercoaster. I’m oscillating from sad, to angry, to hurt, to sad, to apoplectic. The worst part is that our daughter reached out to him today and he replied with a one word response, then read and ignored her following messages. She’s spent the night sobbing. Whatever has happened between us, it’s not our daughter’s fault.

Before anyone points out that I’ve illegally evicted him and will be punished in divorce courts, I couldn’t give a rats ass. He had every opportunity to message me yesterday and ask to explain, to wait until he’s home and discuss it face to face, apologise, anything. He could’ve come home today, I’ve not changed the locks. Instead he’s in hiding, avoiding all responsibility for his behaviour, playing the victim.

Any normal caring spouse would be concluding that I’m in the midst of a complete nervous breakdown and need immediate assistance considering I’ve never behaved like this before- I’m not dramatic, I don’t issue threats or ultimatums, I’m usually quite a calm, rational person. Not my husband. He just told me he won’t be spoken to like that, then fell off the radar.

I think the hardest part is that I’m simultaneously grieving a marriage I thought was good, with a husband I considered kind, whilst coming to terms with the fact that neither of those things are true. I’m left questioning everything - did he ever actually love me, or was I just a convenient meal-ticket, emotional crutch and maid? All those memories I cherish, the milestones, the times we spent together as a family, were they real, or were they just an illusion?

Who is this man that I married?

Last updated June 28, 2022