It's raining in diary

I wish something would shake me or give me my energy back, or aybe I just want attention and some signs of affection. The last time I hugged somebody deeply is such a long time ago. I wonder if I am just overconcidering everything that happens around me, or if there is actually a reason to dig deeper and understand why I feel that way. But the more I think about iut, the worse it gets. Maybe I should not try to fix it, but just live with it. Well today is the first day of my birthdaymonth and as in every year I am a bit stressed out about it. I am still not sure if I should try to get all the attention possible, or if I should just go somewhere else and come back afterwards. MY head is so full with myself it’s exhausting, I need to distract or get interested in something else again. Whike I am writing this my thoughts are wondering around a lot and it’s very random what comes out. For tomorrow I planned to get up early, because I struggle with that a lot. Of course I do because I have no rhythm at all, but I just blame my flat for it, because I feel really uncomfortable here. I hate it actually, or I don’t have any emotions for this place. Except that I don’t want it to show to people. Today was the first time that I expressed my “anger” or “disappointment” about my friend in front of somebody else and they said, yes she is just not that nice. Tomorrow I want to buy a coaster for my 3, plants. I have one selfgrown avocadotree that I need to plant, and a Waterlillie, and some balconyflwoers I catched on my drunk way home from going out fter sunrise. Yes, yes that’s my head at the moment. Now I am going to read, because then I fall asleep very well.
This was confusing but I just wrote ewhatever came out.