Long time Friends in diary

Dear Diary, today I met my good old very best friend that I know since from when we started highschool. We have been in conctact almost everyday eversince, I think the longest we didn’t hear from each other was 3 days max. I love her with all her good and bad sides and she’s the person I trust most, and knows everything about me, my insecurities, my ambitions, my thoughts, and so do I about her. I was living abroad for one year and even then we were talking everyday. She came visit me once and it was at a time when she felt very unstable because things were really bad with her ex-boyfriend. They just broke up and she appeared as she was just a ghostversion of the strong, smart person I knew. She has that sometimes that she get’s caught up in overthinking and loosing her sense of self a bit, and whenever that happens I am happy to welcome her in my arms and listen to her, because she deserves to know how amazing she is and people sometimes need to be reminded. When she came visit me, one sentence she said is still stuck with me, because then it made me so proud to hear that and also I was exactly expecting to hear that from her. We were biking through the city during the night and I was leading the way, and she said something like:” Its so crazy that you just moved here that, I would never be brave enough to do that, you really made it happen here.” And this is exactly how I wanted her to always see me, because before I left, I felt small and unseen and as if people thougth I am weak and have no sense of self. An dat this point in my life I thought I could do everything I wanted I felt inconvincebal and unstoppable. But now this experience is almost 2 years away and I am loosing the grip of it, because I feel here in the city I lived before where all my friends have known me before this experience is invaluable. And reminiscening about it or even telling somebody about it, would just be living in the past. The thing now that I experience with my friend, whenever we meet is that I feel held back to the old version I was before and I feel that she still or again sees me in that way. Whenever she feels week she comes back to me, but I feel I am just an inbetween friend and that I am not good enough for creating new experiences together. And that makes me slightly mad, and everytime we meet I look forward to it and I know she does too, but at one point our conversations are stuck and I feel tired and exhausted. I still feel I can tell her everything but also only if it’s the things she’s used to, like when I feel insecure or when I have troubles dealing with my life because I am stressed out or overwhelmed by social situations. But I am more then just this and I feel she can’t see that. And it makes me angry, that she never actually asks me if I want to join her activites, or when she goes out after work she never asks me to join. But is it worth mentionening or not, I am used to avoiding conflict and in the end I know I can count on her cause we are family, but on the other hand, she has her own family and I am still relying a bit on her.