Sometimes I want a family so much that it makes my heart ache. But I don't think it's in the cards for me and I can't explain why.
It was a big problem with me and Chris and contributed a good deal to the failure of our marriage. There was much more to it than just that, but I think that it was always there at the core and it was something we could never resolve.
I see people with young children and it makes me aware of how my own life is lacking. I don't think all people need children to make them complete. And I don't think that if I never have them, my life will have been meaningless. But I want them, or one anyway, very badly.
And yet, at the same time, I'm not so great with kids. I don't feel like I have maternal instincts and lately I feel especially terrible about my ability to interact with them. I'm just bad at it and they don't like me.
Also there is the big problem of how. I'm not married and not likely to be anytime soon. And having a kid without being married just isn't something I'm okay with. So. I just don't think it's in the cards for me.
And beyond all of that, even if it were, I have suspicions based on nine years of evidence that I probably can't conceive. Well, that part isn't technically true, but I don't think I can grow a human being successfully for nine months. It's not worked out yet and honestly it should have at some point. I wasn't super responsible with my sex life when I should have been.
Anyhow, none of this is really important, it's just some of my current thoughts.
Loading comments...