Trip from Stockholm to Oslo 🍗 in Scandinavia Adventures

Welp, you’d think I would have learned how this train shit works by now. Nope. Defs haven’t. This morning has been a typical Shaye shit show…

So let’s back up a bit and let’s talk about how this morning started…

Somehow, someway got my giant luggage down the 2 flights of concrete spiral staircases, but not without tearing up my legs and getting my brand new $150 adorbs Danish tennies with some skid marks. Should wash off tho. So the taxi driver is annoyed b/c he was waiting for me. Calls me “are you coming? Are you coming? I’m waiting! You say you be here!!” shouting at me. He’s real annoyed. Oops sorry, bro.

Get to the train station, get me a little sammy and chai, juice, water, all the things. It’s around 7:45 at this point.

Typical… as Im eating, homeboy starts talking to me after the girl he first started talking to fakes a phone call. It was hilar, and so obvious. She picks it up” hello” then walks off. Im like gee thanks bish.

Well this guy was from Africa, Tunisia. Typical. Ha! After Rach and I were there circa 2005, I’m like yep - typical aggressive Tunisian male. So at first I start ignoring him. Does Not work. Calls me beautiful. Ignore. Starts speaking in Swedish. Ignore. Keeps talking. I finally look up.

Give him that look like “sorry bro” - he says “English?” so i shake my head yes. And it begins.

Cliff notes version - he takes advantage of the Swedish government b/c they are very nice to refugees. He lies, said he was 15 when he came here when he was 18, got free housing, a monthly allowance, free food. Now he’s 20, he uses a fake name. All the things. He doesn’t work. He just finds girls to give him money somehow, like he pretended to be a masseuse and massaged some chick for cash. He lives in some smaller town 3 hours from Stockholm and schmoozes his way through life. “They can’t catch me” he says. Geezus. Haha

He loves to drink. Drinks vodka a lot. Also likes ecstasy. Like to party, loves music. He was actually hilarious and i said that and he goes “yes I very funny” - in his accent. Hahah . He was actually pretty cute too. Cute smile. He told me the ladies like him. He speaks english and he’s funny and likes to have fun so the girls here like him. Lord. And apparently, his cute glasses cost $700 but the government paid for them. Im like whatever bro.

THEN he starts telling me… hahahah wait for it…

He met this beautiful blonde hair blue eyed girl recently in Sweden. And he goes home with her.

And he, I quote “eats her like chicken”.

“I eat her, Lick her everywhere, eat her like chicken. And she loves it.”

I’m dying at this point. And then he says:

“Yes, I got her number and I’m going to ask her if she wants me to come back and eat her like chicken again” then he starts doing this like licking chicken thing with his mouth and hands and I about lost it.

I’m never going to get that out of my brain, ever… “eat her like chicken” 🍗 AND in his accent.

Seriously, why does this shit happen to me? Ok, so the rest of our chat isn’t worthy of documenting but still ridic, nonetheless…Oh, he told me that I look Latina. Okay, I’ll take it! That I’m from Brazil or Columbia. Pah. I go “I wish. nope just a white girl from America”

And that I shouldn’t talk to strangers, only him. Pah! Best advice ever!

Then my morning gets even better…

I THINK I’m being savvy with my train skills and going to the right “cart” - I literally even walk past alllll the carts to get to the one I think is right. I’m in cart 2 seat 50. I guess I dunno how to read the mother fucking cart numbers…

So I get on. And im thinking hmm this doesn’t’ look like first class but maybe this ticket wasn’t first class. So I have giant luggage. Train is packed. All the luggage spots are full. So I’m causing a scene b/c Im holding up the line people can’t get through, i have nowhere to put my giant luggage. So i just freaking sit somewhere. Bc i look and someone is in, what i thought, was my seat, seat #50. So I’m like welp I’ll just sit in front of them in seat 52. With my luggage next to me in seat 53 b/c it won’t f’ing fit anywhere else.

Well, it’s not 3 minutes that go by and this older dude shows up and says “i need to sit there so you need to move your luggage” I mean after he realized I spoke English. And not Swedish. So I say “Well it’s so heavy I can’t lift it up there and there’s nowhere else to put it.” he’s so annoyed and says, “So what you’re saying is you need help?”

And I go, “yea that would be great.” So i try to help him with it lift it up and he goes “Just stop. I got it” bahahah. So he lifts it up for me. Everyone is staring at this point.

THEN it gets better….

He sits down and then 2 minutes later these girls show up

“This is cart 6 right?’

Guy next to me that hates me: “Yes”

Girl goes “well you’re in my seat” - to me.

I go “oh, this isn’t cart 2?”

They all give me this look like “you dumbass”

Homeboy at this point wants to kill me.

I go “oh no im so sorry I’m supposed to be in cart 2. Where is that?”

Guy next to me says “um way up there. Good luck, you have like 3 minutes”

And i go” well can’t I just stay on the train and walk through all the carts without getting off?”

Another guy in front of me says “Yes you should be able to”

So the dude has to get my luggage back down that he just put up for me. Hahahaha

And i start literally laughing out loud at myself. I apologize, of course. Not that it matters.

And i say “Man im a hot mess” out loud.

And EVERYONE is staring at me. Which made me laugh out loud even more. No one else is laughing mind you. They probably think I’m some crazy-ass American. Not that I care. Zero fucks given. Hence why i was LOL’ing at myself.

Good thing I don’t care about getting attention b/c i can’t NOT draw attention to myself on this fucking trip, even when I’m not trying.

So I proceed to walk through FIVE fucking carts on a moving train with 2 big suitcases and a heavy-ass backpack. Which isn’t easy, btw. . B/c of course i was in the back of cart 6, so i had to walk through cart 6, cart 5, 4, 3, and 2 b/c im in the back of cart 2.

The doors are like jank that connect the carts, I got stuck in one the door like wouldn’t close, luggage stuck in it. I’m sweating profusely. And still laughing. I even thought to pull my phone out and document this, and pulled it out at one point, probably cart 3 haha, then thought, “Don’t do it, knowing you, you’ll drop your fucking phone and it will get crushed between carts, just stop.” So I refrained.

Meanwhile, people can’t get through the aisles with me and my huge luggage. And this train is packed. And people, like me, also went to the wrong carts. So they have to carry their luggage over their heads to pass me. One lady just like sat hers on top of mine and scooted by. b/c she says “this too heavy.” So they are all scooting by me in this narrow ass aisle. Thank GOD everyone is skinny here. Otherwise, this would all not be possible. Pretty sure 90% of this train is annoyed with me at this point. B/c I’ve literally walked through 90% of the mother fucking train.

So i finally get to my seat. Of course, there’s nowhere to put my luggage so it’s just next to me, and im hoping no one bought the seat next to me. So far so good.

Welp, that was an adventure.

And it’s only 9:15 am

Just another day in the life of Carmen Sandiego.

Every day could be a chapter in a fucking book. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

Update: Some lady got on and has the seat next to me, so I had to figure out where to put my luggage, so the super cute guy a few rows up sees me talking to myself and saying “hmm how can i get this up there.” and then he asks to help me and lifts it up on the racks for me. Ha. It’s so damn heavy. I 100% cannot lift it up way above my head not to mention Im freaking short.

P.S. I’ve never seen so many beautiful men and women in my life. Even on public freaking transit. Super hot guy was in front of me on the way to Stockholm too. They are everywhere. 😍