9:30 AM
As I begin to stand up from my rocking chair to walk over to my beloved grandchildren and give them the most loving hug I could extend, a soft, evangelical light washes over me while “Good Morning” by Kanye West begins to play. This used to be my favorite song, but nowadays, any time it comes up in my playlist, I have no choice but to skip it because of the negative emotions I have decided to associate it with. Using a song you love dearly as a morning alarm may seem like a great idea at first, but because waking up is the worst part of every day, the gloom of doing so fills your head the next time you listen to said song.
I continue to lie in my bed for another ten minutes, knowing that the second I leave it, I will feel obligated to become productive, whether it is learning a new skill, getting ready for work, or working out.
9:40 AM
In a haze, I grab my phone and my work uniform before making my way to the shower. I always take morning showers because they instantly boost my mood to be levels higher than it was before taking them. After my shower, I dry off and wipe the fog off of the mirror to clear it out so I can see my reflection. I begin by looking at my body, thinking about how I could have a lower body fat percentage, then move onto my face and feel ashamed about my poor complexion. I put my contact lenses in and lather my face up with shaving cream. Sometimes when I shave, I pretend that I’m Santa Claus.
I take the razor and make smooth, downward motions until all of the stubble is gone. I hope that someday, my beard will miraculously be able to grow in fully and instead of shaving to skin, I will spend the mornings sculpting my maine of facial hair to give myself the appearance of a god. Until then, I will continue to remove every last hair on my face, every single morning.
10:12 AM
For breakfast, I eat an apple and a protein shake and write it down in my journal.
Apple: 130 calories, 1 gram of protein
Protein shake: 180 calories, 27 grams of protein
Meal 1 total: 310 calories, 28 grams of protein
Ever since I began dieting, food is simply a number and no longer a pleasurable experience. I track calories and protein, making sure to eat less than 2300 calories and greater than or equal to 160 grams of protein every single day. Dieting has helped me to develop my current physique, one which I am not proud of, but one which the people around me seem to be quite impressed with. The people that used to call me skinny are now asking me for bulking advice, and the ones who I used to be close with in middle school are saying I have changed ever since I began working out. I admit I have, and any changes that have occurred are not changes that I am proud of in the least.
After a mild argument with myself, I walk back to my bathroom and brush my teeth. While it is such a great chore to stand in front of a mirror moving a collection of bristles on a stick around my mouth for a few minutes twice a day, it has obvious rewards, including one less insecurity: bad breath.
10:25 AM
While I feel a constant and incessant need to be productive, I tend to lounge around my house for about an hour, typically watching tv or looking out a window in a state of meditative bliss, fearful of the rest of the day ahead of me.
When I meditate, I usually ponder the current problems in my life. Compared to most other people, I have a very privileged and easy life, for which I am endlessly grateful. While this wonderful gift has been given to me since birth, I still, for some reason, am not happy and can’t remember a time where I truly have been. When I revisit old memories, all I can remember is pretending to be happy so that nobody around me asks what is wrong.
Although I am not happy, I am not necessarily sad, either; apathetic is a better word to describe it. I like to incorporate more and more things into my lifestyle until I get bored of them and I have rung out all of the possible hopes of joy that they may have provided. I’m always looking forward to the next thing, thinking “Once I do this, then I will be happy. If this happens, then I will be happy.” Maybe I need to learn to stop finding something new that will bring me joy and focus on what I already have, and then I will be happy.
11:30 AM
After my hour of bitching and moaning about my imaginary problems, I pack my workout clothes, put on my shoes, and leave for work. My current gig is waiting tables at a large chain restaurant. It’s not very great money, but it pays the bills and allows for me to have a few bucks left over to invest into my gambling addiction. I want to drive my car off of a bridge every time I think about how much more money I would have if I didn’t “feel lucky” every time I saw a lottery ticket.
On my way to work, I always listen to music. My music taste changes every week because I get tired of the songs that used to give me a spark, so I need to find a new combination of sounds that will hopefully have a similar effect on my mental state.
11:45 AM
I begin work at 12:00 PM, so I usually like to enter the parking lot by around 11:45 AM so that I have five minutes to continue listening to music, five minutes to get into my work character, and still clock in five minutes early.
I turn off my car, eat a 200 milligram caffeine pill, and walk inside. Instantly I am greeted by people who are excited to talk to me. I start my work character up and immediately try to change who I am. I put on a smile, an excessive amount of charisma, and start entertaining my coworkers with small talk, which is a skill that I have become quite good at over the years.
I believe the persona I put on at work is a reflection of who I want to be; someone who has no worries in the world, is always happy, and who everyone likes. I read from a forgotten source that emotions are contagious, so if I didn’t outwardly portray this false happiness, the people around me would begin to feel the way that I do, and I don’t want that to happen because I care about them.
1:45 PM
We are beginning to slow down from our lunch rush. Everyone’s adrenaline is wearing off and they begin to show visible signs of tiredness. Soon enough, a server or two will be sent home, leaving me with more money to make and less people to talk to.
4:00 PM
As my replacement walks in, my last table gets out of their seat and goes home. This means I am finally done with work. Unfortunately, for the day, I only got four hours of work and fifty five dollars in tips. I have done worse, but I could do better.
I say goodbye to everyone and head out to the gym.
4:15 PM
With the small amount of energy I have remaining, I walk into the gym. I say hello to the front desk workers and go to the locker room to change into my workout clothes to prepare for my chest day. As I’m lifting, I hope that maybe if I lift enough weights I will earn some validation from women. I have never been in a relationship, and every day of not being in one becomes more and more painful. I want to experience love. I want to have someone who I can hold and who knows the difference between my character and my true self, but enjoys being with both.
5:30 PM
I go back home and eat a protein heavy meal while watching more tv or looking out the window and meditating for some more time. All I want to do at this point is sleep.
6:00 PM
I decided to say “fuck it” and smoke a joint. I don’t smoke very often, so when I do, I am filled with paranoia and cartoonish voices in my head. If I close my eyes, I see cool colors and start to feel more and more terrified as the voices get louder. I knew it was a bad idea to smoke and I did it anyway, thinking maybe this time will be different. Maybe I won’t have a psychotic episode. Well guess what? It happened again. I followed the same process and expected a different result. I will probably do the same thing in a few days, too. Now the neighbors smell weed, and what if they call the cops? Oh yeah, they’re definitely gonna call the cops. I might as well just accept defeat and do it myself. Put the handcuffs on me and write me the ticket that I won’t be able to pay off because I don’t make enough money. “Why do you smoke weed if you can’t afford to pay a ticket?” “Because I needed something to make myself happy because I can’t afford to pay a ticket and I ended up spending fifteen bucks on a small stick that drove me insane.”
9:00 PM
After spending the last three hours lying on my floor gasping for air and drinking 2 gallons of water, the effects begin to wear off. The voices become quieter and my vision becomes clearer. My eyes are still red, but not as bloodshot as before. I’m gonna go to sleep soon.
9:30 PM
Finally, I go to bed. This is my favorite part of the day because I will be unconscious for about nine hours. I can never fall asleep though. I’ve been doing it my whole life and can never seem to get it right. I toss and turn for a couple of hours looking for the right way to rest my body on my pillows.
11:45 PM
Eventually, I find the right position to fall asleep in and my dreams begin. I see myself about fifty years from now looking out of the same window. A young lady, who I presume to be my daughter, walks into the room with her sons, all of whom are ecstatic to see me.
End of day. The next day will begin, continue, and finish exactly as the last.
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