Wash this dish bish in The fabulous life of....

Can I say I absolutely despise BRANDY GLANVILLE.
I am catching up with the season of RHOBH where Brandy tells Kyle she had sex with Denise. Brandy is so desperate and annoying.

So I have not been on here in YEARS. So much has happened O M G . I skimmed my previous entries wow… Nick… I broke up with him July 2015??

Then there was a thing with this musician/reality tv guy. Super cute, life of the party, a genuine good guy but of course our life goals did not match and he went off the grid for awhile… took me too long to get over him.

then some other guys. a kind of hot roofer …

This super hot male model who did work for big names. You for sure have seen his ad that is all I will say

Then another super hot gym guy that didn’t last too long as he was telling me he was meeting up with some girl he’s been talking to for ever and wanted a bj. Was he trying to make me jealous? He was hot but the type with over confident about his D and it wasn’t that big as he was saying (why are guys more often like this ugh) . He confessed after his trip he didn’t have sex with her. I realized it was early in whatever this was but telling me you’re going to see some other girl?? BOY BYE

Now there is a guy since November. He is a game changer but there is a some concerns. I’ve never had a guy so consistent. Now here is the kicker…
I am not that attracted to him. I was trying to keep strict about not engaging with guys I’m not feeling but he came in strong with personality and convictions. We have talked EVERY single day for usually hours in some form.
Also … not wanting to say too much… he barely works. He lives on the water… lives extremely minimally, rarely goes out to do anything… which is tough for me as I love night life and being social. He is not living off a trust fund. Its bizarre and he is very different than what I am used too. Sometimes he gets on my nerves because he is opinionated and he acts like I have to share that opinion or its not valid. I don’t want to silence myself but more often I do that because I don’t want to get into some fight over something petty.
I initially thought I could almost marry this guy . Wondering if eventually Id fall in love with him. So far that hasn’t happened. I know there is a part of this if not all is me using him for that connection. Also wanting to be with a fabulous guy who I genuinely am excited about and am attracted too. I really want to be with a musician but they can be assholes.
My friend told me wanted to set me up with friend of hers she had introduced me too. They are in Broadway world together. She said “he’s nice” ..... NICE? REALLY ?? He was very below average looking and totally not my type. She knows about my current guy so I was incredulous … like I may not be super hot for my current guy but he is definitely more my type than this other guy. I know I came off super snob and she totally meant well but I am not desperate???? Nice is great comparing to guys who aren’t but I need more than NICE.

Ginny: I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored to me. I mean, I’ve had men who’ve loved me before, but not for six months in a row. (Sixteen Candles)

“All I’m saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don’t get him first, somebody else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.” -Marie (When Harry Met Sally)

I think of these 2 quotes often.

Work.... I started a business some years ago. I still do modeling but not as much as I had been. And I did record more music but never with intention of national attention ( I know seems like that’s all people want is fame)

I inherited one of my grandmother’s houses and have been working to reno it. It definitely needs lots of work!! I had fun picking out paint and new decor. I basically bought Ralph Lauren Home exclusive and it.
Had to update so much. Electrical, new fridge… worth it . It’s going to sell for an insane number should I decide to sell.

Feels really good to be back writing here… to maybe no one....

I have been going to therapy. I went through many years of abuse and manipulation and black mail growing up with family and then harassment, bullying, some assault in school years. I wish I had been confidence and strong enough to stand up to these people or at least report them.
I used to think i was bi polar but once I changed my diet to low carb I realized it was carbs messing up my mood. Sugar especially.
Some weeks I deal with strong anxiety and depression and I refuse to get on RX. I try to take holistic stuff altho I do love xanax....

Speaking of.... last week was a decade since my high school love interest (6 years of torment) died (my theory is suicide). I found this out some years ago after I got a google alert for him. His family didn’t know about me because he was older and I was much younger… so anyway the day I found out he had died I was in shock despite not having an feelings for him since 2003. Part of me never had closure because when he called to get back together I didn’t tell him my feelings. It had been several years since he ghosted me to go marry some girl he barely knew and when he was getting divorced he assumed Id be waiting around him as I always had been. When he told me he had quickly married and now going through a divorce then it hit me.... you don’t want me. you want attention. That was his MO all those years to love bomb me and then disappear to be with someone else until that didn’t work. I was young and desperate for male attention with the abuse I went through. So you could say I am still dealing with it. Hence therapy.

How I bought all the lies
You said that you would treat me right
But you was just a waste of time
Leave (Get Out) JoJo

You know it’s just too little too late
You say you dream of my face
But you don’t like me, you just like the chase
Too Little Too Late- JoJo

ah nostalgic .
I know I unpacked a lot in this but feels good. xoxo

Last updated May 31, 2022