It’s hard to have a whole beautiful future planned out, and then torn from your grip before you can even fully taste it. It’s especially hard to let that future go, like it never would’ve existed in the first place. Unfortunately for me, I cannot easily let things like that leave completely. I find that I often am standing on our porch, waiting for you to come outside so you could walk me to work. I see you walking out to meet me, you smile and kiss me on the lips. I take your hand, and off we go. How even the simplest things like that make my heart happy. Yet, those things can’t happen now. I’m living in an entirely different town, over an hour away from where we were meant to live together. I’m working a completely different job, walk myself to work, pay my own rent & bills. I’m doing it, mostly on my own. And I hate it so much because I still ache for that life I could’ve shared with you. I even imagine we could’ve moved here together.
There’s just so much that I miss about you.
Your gleaming blue eyes.
Jet black hair.
Your warm, deep voice.
Your soft, homey hugs.
Your words of encouragement.
Your delightful, loving laugh.
How you said my name.
How I was able to help you emotionally, and you helped me.
The way you looked at me so adoringly.
How you loved me.
This is the “him” I was talking about before. Sorry, couldn’t help but talk about him. I’m missing him a lot more today than usual, which is already nearly unbearable to begin with. The point I’m trying to make is, why has the world taken two of my most favorite people away from me in a 1 1/2 time span? People that I miss more than anything in the world, and don’t even get me started on losing my childhood dog in between there. I don’t want this new, empty future without them. I feel like all I’m doing is living out this blanket statement of a future, like I’m walking into the empty void from that claymation movie Coraline. Like what the heck am I meant to be doing without them?
Yes, I’m aware this is all over the place and I apologize. I’m just lost, that’s all.
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