Read the book description before reading this.
For anyone reading, this’ll be a break down of my life.
I won’t disclose my name for now.
The reason I chose new years as my off day is because December 9 is when I’ve had my life insurance for 2 years. Life insurance doesn’t pay suicide before then. My parents split up when I was 2 and my dad has married 4 times. I lived with my mom up until 9 and she gave me and my sister to my dad. She took us back when I was 11 and then my dad decided to settle it in court. My sister went with my mom and I went with my dad. I didn’t have any thought about it because I didn’t know a judge would split up siblings like that. I lived with my dad and his 3rd wife (he had already lived with his 2nd when I was really young) in Colorado. It was beautiful but my stepmom always made me stay home while she took my step-siblings out to do fun things. I was home a lot and developed a lot of creativity. At 13 they had a divorce and I moved to another city with my dad. Now I was really alone. Dad worked all the time and I was by myself every waking moment besides school. After a year he got back with his second wife (who already lived in CO) and we moved again. This wasn’t bad at all and it was pretty fun. But it didn’t last long and they split again. I had a bad relationship with my dad by now and I already was trying to kill myself. Around this time I realized I was bi and started talking to guys at school. My dad found out and made me feel like garbage. I got a girlfriend after a little while and that had it’s up and downs. The worst I did as a teenager was sneak out a few times to see her. Never had sex or anything. Eventually my dad got with his 4th wife and her kids moved in. They were real young and fun to be around. She was nice as well. But my dad got worse. My dad denies it but I’ve witnessed him cheating on his 3rd and 4th wife. Eventually we moved back to Alabama with her and siblings. I was 15. Relationship never got better with dad but had good times with my creativity as a late teen. Dated a few more girls while I met my current husband in 10th grade. We didn’t date yet until 11th. I graduated with As and Bs with no care for college. I started working at a restaurant while I went to see him once every two weeks. I paid my parents 300 a month for rent. After my dad caught on who I was seeing my parents told me to stop seeing him or move out. I chose the latter. I had $1000 saved and got a cheap trailer a street over. My dad used the rent I’d given him and got me a cheap jeep. I paid him whatever was left on it over a couple months. We’ll call my husband Hub. Hub moved in with me in December and everything was great. He couldn’t get a job but kept the house clean and provided food stamps from his grandma claiming him. I had friends that lived a few houses down and we hung out a lot. I developed more musical skills as well as others over the years. Quit the restaurant and worked at Walmart. Worked there for a while and got promoted a couple times. Me and Hub had a falling out because he hasn’t worked in two years and I was sick of it. It was also because of a roommate we had that was not fun to be around so I started not coming home and that made our relationship worse. Roommate didn’t pay either. Lost his job and stalled getting one. Dated a girl after that to try it out and it was a huge mistake. (She had a couple kids and was very manipulative). Talked to Hub and told him if he gets a job and a car we’ll get a place together. He did. Used relief check to get a decent place in the country. Mortgage is low and everything is good. By now my friends have either ghosted me or gone to jail. Played Yu-Gi-Oh at a card shop with people so had some friends there. Year and a half passes and old friend needs a place to stay. I agree and it’s fine at first. He gets fired after two months (not again). I loaned him a total of 5k the whole time he lived with me (he was my best friend and I could talk to him about everything and we had so much in common. We were gonna start a band together. He found a well paying construction job and moved away last month. He’s going to pay me back in a few months. Me and Hub now. (We got married Feb 14 ‘21 btw). He’s gotten more boring and angrier over time. I understand money issues and stress. He spends all day looking at his phone. I know he doesn’t cheat on me I’ve been through his phone. Okay to the present day. I’m 25 now and I live in the Wiregrass area of Alabama. I quit my well paying manager job at Walmart about 6 months ago. I hated it and I work at a hardware store. Pays not bad. A couple months ago Hub was in lots of pain from teeth. Took him to dentist. They pulled teeth and they charged us 6 grand. Have an extra 250 a month on top of 5k in credit card debt now. My wisdom teeth rot and hurt but I don’t make him worry. Don’t have money for anything. Wanting to sell stuff to make ends meet until my best friend pays us back. Hub gets hours cut at work and spends days doing no chores (until I make him). He stares at phone all the time. I try to be cute and fun and sexy. He’s never in the mood. I don’t blame him for anything because I know he’ll get angry. I’m scared when he’s angry. He won’t hurt me but I can’t stand anyone yelling and throwing things. I blame myself for everything instead. He assures me I make him happy and nothing’s wrong. But he’s still uninterested unless I bitch about it. I’ll give him head for nothing in return. I’ll cheer him up when I’m depressed. He only makes me feel special when I’m visibly upset. I can’t stand how boring he is. It’s to be said a marriage is as good as you make it. I try. I really do. I failed to mention he has a very mild case of asbergers but he is fully functional. Just can’t pick up some social cues and has no motive sometimes. I try to take that into consideration. I understand and don’t let it get me down. Well, now I’m here today. Our sex life sucks. I ask him all the time and he either lets me down or isn’t in the mood. Always on that phone. I’ve tried helping him develop hobbies over the years. Spent A LOT of money getting him stuff for hobbies. He’s done a good bit of art by now but that didn’t last long. We were furries when we started dating and kind of are now. So that’s where the art came from. I did a lot too but pursued music after a while. Everyone I love in my life has let me down. No one has gone the extra mile for me. Everyone costs me money and I let it happen. I have a good bit of stuff at home to do (game consoles music studio switch etc.) So I’m not technically poor. But I am to the point where I need to sell stuff now. My dream is to have a successful band. Am talking to a couple people that are interested. We’ll see how that goes. That will be a big factor on my suicide. I feel all alone and I don’t have anything worth living for. I don’t want to cost anyone money so that’s why I’m waiting till my two years with life insurance. This concludes day 1. Other days won’t be this long I just need to write summary of life here.
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