First of the firsts in General Stuff

Today is the first of the firsts. The first Easter since my husband died. It suddenly struck me that the very first holiday we were together was Easter. Easter 1998.

January 29th, 2022 3:12 PM EST my world as I knew it ceased to be. I held his hand and told him if he was tired of fighting then he could go. I told him Maggie and I would be okay. It was a lie of course but I knew he was struggling to hang on. He had been fighting in the ICU since January 19th. On a ventilator for the entire time. Sedated and unable to open his eyes. I talked to him. I hope he heard me. I feel that he did. It was literally seconds later that all of the many machines he was hooked up to went to a flat line.

I have never, ever in my life felt as bereft as I was at that moment. Disbelief. Shock. Grief.

It hasn’t been 3 months yet. I still have way more bad days than good. I don’t know why I am still here. I don’t know why God took him instead of me.

I still haven’t gone into his bathroom or closet. I can’t. I keep the door closed.

I don’t know my purpose in life anymore. I was his wife and that was all I wanted to be since the day I met him. We had just celebrated 24 years together on the 17th. And he was gone on the 29th. I have no energy to do anything productive except work. I spend way too many hours working because it takes my mind off of this empty house. He had been retired for the past few years and for the past 2 years we were together 24/7 because my workplace had everyone working from home due to COVID. We would meet up in the kitchen for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I can’t watch the shows we watched together. It’s hard going into the stores we shopped in together. Or going into the stores where I would see something I knew he would like and pick it up for him as a surprise.

I had several invitations to spend Easter with friends. I politely declined. I’m not ready to be around happy families. Not yet.

I am struggling. People are kind and understanding but it only makes me sadder. I have a hard time seeing couple holding hands, laughing, doing everyday things we used to do. I miss us.

I don’t want to live a life without him in it. But I have no choice because I want to see him again one day and the only way to do that is to put one foot in front of the other until God decides to reunite us. Yes, I believe in God and Heaven. And I believe that one day I will see him again. No ones knows God’s plan, only Him.

This life right now sucks.