Heartwrenching: Wednesday 4/13/22 in Lady Loves the Ocean

Good Morning, Wednesday!

It is a gloomy day today. It is currently 46 degrees with gentle rain. I don’t think it will get much warmer today. We didn’t have any severe weather overnight as predicted. Other areas in Iowa did. We were lucky. Tomorrow there is a good chance of rain again. But it does say we are to rise into the 50s. Intermittent rain is okay. Then I can at least get out and get a walk-in. I am going to try to walk to my mailbox when I finish this. I will wear a coat with a hood in case it starts raining.

I went to bed around midnight last night. Which is late for me. I took a short nap between 3-and 4 p.m. yesterday so I was not tired. I guess I was not tired at all. Because I never slept all night. I tossed and turned. Got up and down. Read and still could not fall asleep. I finally got up around 5:30 a.m. UGH. I don’t know if I will nap or not. Because that could throw things off again. I haven’t had this happen in a long time. But I had a lot on my mind.

Today is my son’s birthday. And today is also the 4-year anniversary of my husband’s death. So very mixed emotions today. I think my son is doing better this year. But it is hard for me. I miss my husband a lot. We used to say our son was our good luck charm. Because he was born on Friday the 13th. He weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz. and he was born at 6:07 a.m. He felt this way himself until his father passed away on his birthday and it fell on Friday the 13th.

I know he purposely got married on Friday, August 13th, 2021 to try to take back the good side of Friday the 13th. So I believe he has worked through this. I do know he still has mixed feelings about his father’s death for other reasons. And I truly understand those reasons. I have a lot of regrets about the last few years of his father’s life. We were not together. We were still married. But had been separated a long time. He had a girlfriend. He had a lung condition that was never properly diagnosed. He was on oxygen for the last 2 years of his life. And had trouble doing much of anything. Prior to this, he was a very active man. He hunted, fished, and cut wood to heat his home, he was just very active. And then he started having trouble breathing. He was a former smoker. He stopped smoking at least 15 years prior to his death. He didn’t have COPD, or lung cancer. But he had scar tissue in his lungs. He had been to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and even they could not pin it down. It was tough to watch his decline. He got influenza A in January 2018. He was hospitalized for 4 months. The doctor decided he needed to be moved to a place where they could give him constant care and hopefully improve his breathing. He was on hospital-grade oxygen. He couldn’t do that at home. So they made the decision to move him on Thursday morning the 12th. He was nervous about leaving the hospital. Because he required high-grade oxygen. So I talked to him that morning on the phone. I had not been able to see him in the hospital because I was receiving cancer treatment at the time. The dr. recommended I didn’t visit. We talked several times a day. The last things he said to me were: “I am looking forward to family time at the new place this weekend.” “It has been so long since I saw you and our granddaughter. And he said, “Sheri I have always loved you.” I told him “I have always loved him and will always love him.” He said, “I will see you soon”. Those were the last words spoken to each other. He survived the trip to the facility. When I called to check on him they said he was resting. The next call was at 6 a.m from his girlfriend asking me to try to reach Jeremy because she couldn’t. When I asked why she said, “Ron, is gone.” “He died”. I was in shock. I tried to call my son. It took a few tries but finally, I got him. And then I got in the car and drove the 20 miles to his house as fast as I could. We had to go and make arrangements. So I got to see him one last time. My heart was breaking.

We had a very volatile relationship for the first 20 years of our marriage. But when He stopped drinking and doing drugs we became good friends. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me. He didn’t divorce me because I needed his insurance. I have dealt with cancer several times. Because of our son and then our granddaughter we got a lot closer. And we had family holiday’s together even though he had a girlfriend. He had regrets as did I. But we just didn’t know how to change things. I knew he wasn’t happy with his girlfriend. But I was not sure I could give him happiness either. Because I was not sure about trust issues in a relationship. So we just became good friends. I still loved him. Watching him so sick broke my heart. I never thought he would die before me. I had gone through so many medical things. It should have been me. He was my rock even when we were not together. I had to get past a lot to get to that place. I had to forgive so much. Realizing he was a different man without the drugs and alcohol took time. I feel like I could have done better. But I can’t change it. So I live with regrets. I miss him so much. 😥

Wow, I unloaded there. I guess I needed to do that. It’s a tough day, to say the least. I have cried a lot already. Right now I just wish I could hug my son so tight. It just hurts so much. It has been 4 years and it still tears me up inside. When will it get better? I feel like he is my guardian angel. Things have happened since his death that have made me feel like he is still with me or watching over me. I know in my heart I have to let go and try to move forward. I hope he knows how much I miss him.

I am a big pile of mush now. I have cried hard. I think I need to get outside and try to take that short walk to the mailbox and back. Fresh air will do me good. Then I may try to take a short nap. This day will pass and I will move on. He is gone but he will never be forgotten. He would be so proud of the man our son has become. He is a good person and a wonderful father and husband. We are blessed.

Later,
Sheri