This one is long and it’s all over the place and I’m ngl to you it is ROUGH. If you find yourself reading this...... Dave......please remember I am venting in an anonymous space. Please do not continue if you don’t think you can handle some intense feelings that may or may not make sense.
The last few weeks have been heartbreaking for me. They probably shouldn’t have been but they are. I’ve finally come to the realization that what I want......my fairytale........is never going to happen with the one person I want it so badly with. I feel like I’ve been feeling him slip away from me bit by bit for months. I couldn’t figure out why or what was going on. But now I know it’s because someone else needed him and he has put his energy there. Things have backslid, I’m back to feeling not heard or seen. All things I noticed before I found out about her. He said to me today that she sent him encouraging videos today and he clutched his chest and said he felt like “SOMEBODY believes in me”. My heart sank. I have believed in him since the moment we met and I tell him all the time. But he gets that feeling when someone else says it? O u c h. He says he knows I believe in him. I’m just venting here and when he said those words it was physically painful.
My heart and my stomach have not stopped turning for weeks. Usually that settles by now. Something is off. I am sick to my stomach when he keeps bringing her up. Does he talk about me like that to her? Or anyone? Sometimes I just like....... Don’t want to do this anymore. Sometimes I’m confused about whether I’m losing him or if he’s losing me. Or am I just losing myself? He’s already told me it wouldn’t affect him. If your potential absence doesn’t hurt a little do they care about your presence? Maybe I need to move on. Let him do what he wants to do and be happy without me. I would be miserable for a bit because I am truly in love with him. But I would eventually be just fine. I HATE that I am thinking these things. That these thoughts are even in my head but I can’t take hearing about fucking mace again while I am feeling like things are slipping between he and I. For once I was happy and optimistic and he brought her up. Again. I just can’t fucking do it anymore. He’s not as good at splitting his time and bandwidth as he thinks he is and it feels like we are suffering the consequence. Why can’t he see what’s happening the more time he spends connecting to her?? I am just too tired to fight to prove that I’m worthy of what I want anymore. I feel stuck in a way. I am so fucking in love with him and ideally I don’t want to be without him. He’s mostly very good for me and vice versa. But I also like..... Don’t want to feel this way anymore. My therapist says it’s a natural reaction to watching him be there for someone else while I am feeling distance or a gap. I don’t think he sees it at all. Idk what’s happening anymore but maybe its time for meds. I didn’t like them bc they made me feel numb. And I feel ALOT. But maybe I just don’t want to feel anymore. Even if that means losing the good along with the bad. I’d give up everything to not feel heartache anymore. 💔
My therapist also suggested maybe I need another partner. Idk how I feel about that right now. Maybe my bandwidth needs to go elsewhere. I thoroughly enjoy spending as much of it as I do on him though. 🤷🏻 I have so much love to give and she has assured me that even within polyamory, what I want so badly IS out there. It exists. It’s not unreasonable as I’ve been told. She has treated patients who live the way I want things to be and they are happy. Exclusivity within polyamory is possible and I fucking want it. With the right person(s) it can be so.......idk the word. Invigorating. To pour yourself into someone(s) and nurture everything that you have. Imagine the depths of a relationship you can reach when you’re not still exploring new people and entertaining other ppl romantically?!?!?! When all your energies are going into yourself and your exisiting partner(s). Love is an infinite resource. Time and emotional availability are not. At a point.....someone suffers. Someone starts to go without or feel unseen. You can be polyamorous and not still falling for new ppl. Esp if you’ve already got several partners and everything is working. Everything about this lifestyle is customizable. That’s kind of the point. I KNOW there’s someone out there who shares my ideals and will give me everything I’ve ever wanted and allow me to do the same. I am so so sad when I think about it and realize it’s not who I wanted it with. But I guess that’s another upside to this lifestyle. I don’t have to give up on my dream just bc the love of my life doesn’t want that with me. Maybe one day they will see the value in it. Maybe not. But the concept of “enough” exists in polyamory. It just doesn’t look the same as in monogamy but it’s out there. People close their polycules/relationships all the time bc they have “enough” and they’re still very much poly whether thats with 1 partner or 17. I guess what I’m wanting so bad is just someone who’s able to see the value in that. Idc if I have to wait another 20 yrs to find that I will find it.
Loading comments...