Everything and everyone is sapping the energy out of me. I’ve had to uninstall Facebook, Messenger, Discord, Hangouts, and mute some people from texting me. Having a large family and then marrying into a large family is A LOT. There’s always drama on my side but his side can be just as annoying. I’ve decided to bury myself in housework and hobbies to keep myself occupied. Bought some Warhammer figurines to paint and bought some more journaling supplies to fancy up my A5 planner.
I’m really feeling the burn out this week. So many people have come to me because they need help. I am always the go-to person for everything. I wouldn’t mind it so much if people would actually take my advice before things got worse. I don’t like fixing people’s problems when they are unwilling to avoid the very things I tried to prevent in the first place. This stops now. It is not my problem and I should stop making it so. The best way for me to combat that is to cut off communication with people for a good while. For the rest of the year. This is the year I give no fucks (easier said than done). This is the year I stop playing the Jesus to every cry for help. I’ve done more than enough for everyone and it is time they learn to do without.
Not saying that I am a saint but I have a soft spot for people in suffering. My definition of “suffering” needs to change. Their emergency should not my emergency. Their lack of self-control and self-sufficiency is not a me-problem. Would I like to see them succeed? Of course. But I’d rather they learn to do it on their own instead of relying on me to fix their every mistake. I am only one person. If I’m busy helping everyone else, who helps me?
Last year, I was burnt badly by people that I poured my money, time, and sweat into helping. I fell so hard into a pit of depression that I still haven’t been able to dig myself out of. Sometimes humanity disappoints me but never to this extent (which is hard to do considering my abusive upbringing). I don’t ask for people to thank me or even repay me, but I do ask that people not spread lies about me to make themselves look better. I’ve never known sociopaths until now. My “therapist” told me to look at it from a place of understanding. I “understand” that all of the people who wronged me were out of their fucking minds! No logical or sane person would ever treat another human being the way they treated me. They took advantage of my kindness and laughed at me for being weak. Being kind is not a weakness. Continuing to being kind despite the bull shit they put me through is the biggest strength I could ever have.
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