I am out tonight at coffee with my friend, who won't be here for another 30 minutes or so. I left the house early (leaving Josh with 2 screaming kids) so i could get here early and get an entry in.
I am SO exhausted, you guys. So extremely mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
We stand no closer to any answers at this time, yet what did i expect, it's been not even a full 7 days. As of right now, we have therapy with one of Joshua's regular therapists on Tuesday, and she will be bringing along a behavioral therapist to evaluate him, too.
At that point, we have to have a hearing test done to move on any further. But, we don't have insurance at the moment. I'm waiting on hearing back from our State insurance, which we SHOULD be accepted for, and only need for a few short months to help us out until Josh's insurance with the new job kicks in (which, by the way, he's been working 50-60 hours a week, cue single parenting on my part).
Now, i LIKE Joshua's therapists, but let me explain -- they are part of CT's free children developmental program. So, in MY mind, my next step is to get him to his pediatrician REGARDLESS of what they tell me -- whether it be a solid yes, no, or maybe. They aren't qualified to make an official diagnosis anyways -- but what IS an official diagnosis mean? With Autism Spectrum Disorder, there isn't a blood test or something to say DING DING DING! You have Autism! It's basically a qualified individual evaluating and if you meet the criteria, then yes, you are diagnosed with a positive diagnosis.
So i want to see his pediatrician -- though i'm debating calling a behavioral pediatrician, also. And we will get the hearing test, then we will go from there. You can be evaluated by a number of different people, etc, so it can be a process. :/
Of course, like many of you mentioned, i have wholeheartedly immersed myself in research. I have books on Autism, Sensory Disorders, and more. It hurts to read them, because as i read them, i can literally put check marks down the pages next to the signs and symptoms.
I don't want to sit and read the books and websites and have THEM convince me that it's true -- but to read the signs and have them SMACK me in the face as things i've seen in him and always wondered about -- it just really HITS you like AHA!
That day when Josh got home from work, and i had to tell him about the conversation i had with the therapist, was difficult. He was just chatting along, he didn't know i had just finished a book (Jenny McCarthy's "Louder Than Words," if you haven't read it, you should) and that i had planned on asking the therapist what she thought. So when i told him that Joshua's therapists have seen all the red flags of Autism, he looked absolutely shocked. He slammed his fist on the counter, walked to the bedroom, sat next to the bed on his knees, and cried.
I tried to explain that nothing is set in stone yet, that this is just the beginning, that there's many places in the spectrum that he could fall -- that he could lead an almost normal life, even. But i know what he pictures in his mind. He pictures the children who stare off into space, who barely communicate, the children you feel like you barely know. He's afraid of losing Joshua. I don't mean literally, he knows that he's not going to die due to Autism. He's afraid of losing him mentally.
We will take it one step at a time, and first we need a diagnosis to get ANYWHERE.
I always somehow knew SOMETHING was different about my baby boy. I guess i hoped it wasn't enough to hurt him. But the signs are all adding up. The more obvious signs, like the very obvious language delay. He'll be 3 in January, and he barely talks. He has WORDS. He can repeat almost anything you say. But he doesn't COMMUNICATE. He can ask for things, like juice, milk, ball, blanket. He has never used 2 words together. He points a lot. He gets frustrated when you can't understand him, and flaps his hand. He makes VERY little eye contact. He points to things, but never looks back to you to see if you're looking. His expressions are often lacking emotion. He has no imaginative play and plays "wrong" with toys. He also has sensory issues like not liking to be touched at certain times and in certain places. He doesn't like his head touched, hair combed or washed. He used to cover his ears for loud noises, now he does sometimes still cry with certain noise. He craves hard stimulation and RUNS into you. He often hurts me. He doesn't really understand "hurt" and i'm scared of him hurting Liam or someone else. He doesn't have tantrums, he has full on meltdowns. For hours. Screaming, throwing himself against things, over NOTHING. He cannot transition from one thing/activity to another. He doesn't use "yes" or "no." He's extremely hyperactive.
Those are just things that come to mind quickly without looking up or really thinking about things.
It's hard. It's so hard, lately. He's extremely needy. Yet he's frustrating.
I've been trying to avoid sugar to help with a little of the hyperactivity. He drinks water kefir and kombucha, a teeny bit of all natural juice mixed with water, and milk. I tried chamomile tea at night before bed the other night and it seemed to help. I need more. I only had 1 tea bag.
I feel like a horrible mother. He demands ALL of my attention, 24 hours a day. I have another baby who i almost feel guilty for even HAVING because i can't give him what he deserves. I'm so torn up by this.
And of course, the feelings of WHAT DID I DO? Did i do this to him? Was it vaccines? Did i not feed him right, take care of him right? HOW DID I MESS UP MY BABY? Will he ever be ok? Will he live the life he deserves, like other little boys? Will people treat him differently? Will I treat him differently? Can i love him like i need to? Will he/does he love ME?
Add this onto marriage/money/life problems and this is by far the worst year of my life. All i've got are prayers for a miracle.
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