You know, not enough people talk about the downsides of polyamory. The things that break your fucking heart but that you have to learn to live with. One of those things is sometimes you want things from someone that you just will never have. Like a family. In general I think I’ve moved past the desire to have another child. But if somehow it happened with the one partner I am sexually active with I would be ecstatic. I know that will never happen, so I am by no means holding out hope for that but sometimes I think about it and it sucks to desire something you will never have.
I want to wake up to a surprise post about me and how much my partner loves me, for all to see. I want the other people my partner value to know about me. How much they love me. I want to SEE my partner not be able to shut up about me. Like how I am about someone when I’m crazy about them. But it doesn’t always happen that way. For me, it never has. I always seem to find partners who either won’t be public about their relationship with me or can’t due to family and/or career (military) reasons. But that’s the up and down side to polyamory? Maybe one day I will find that with someone. Maybe I won’t. There’s got to be someone who will be like that with me. Someone who CAN be like that with me. But then, I’m not looking for anyone else so I don’t see myself finding that person. Maybe if I was prettier, thinner, more attractive someone would want to show me off? Blah blah Idk, that’s absolute bullshit and I know it but still I can’t help but feel like maybe I just don’t deserve to be shown off somehow. Sometimes I’m convinced all of my partners current and past are/were embarrassed of me. It’s obviously not a deal breaker for me. Just one of those things that I want that I haven’t really been able to have/find. I’m tired of being a secret even if it is out of necessity. I’m not upset with anyone over it really. Generally speaking I am happy with most of my love life. Well, half of it. Part of my love life is damn near perfect. Even without the things I want that they can’t give me. It’s sad that I don’t consider my husband anymore when I talk about my love life. Bc while I care for him I’m not in love with him anymore. I haven’t been for a long time. Habitual cheating (him) will do that to a person. But anyway that’s it’s own entry that I don’t even feel the desire to write.
I want the proposal I never got. My first husband (I was young, and pressured by my mormon family....story for another time) just gave me a ring and was like I guess we should get married. My current husband, who I never should have been with let alone married did kind of the same thing. Where’s the creativity? The love and attention to even the most basic of details? The effort. I don’t need some huge elaborate thing. But I have never stopped fantasizing about my dream proposal that I just never got. You can still have that within polyamory, right? People have commitment ceremonies. I know because I got extremely jealous of my friend who recently got engaged to her partner. smh. But was also immediately happy for them. I’m not a monster lol. She’s also married. It’s just not a legally binding thing obviously. It’s a ceremony to celebrate your love and your intent to spend your life together! Am I asking too much? It feels basic to me. I’m forever holding out hope for my fairytale moment.
And you know what? I want happy, healthy meta relationships. (Metas are my partners partners)I have one meta who I love, but we don’t really talk (neither of us, so I’m not placing blame). But as far as I know we get along well. And the other told me they didn’t like me on the internet, which is where I am the most myself. So I don’t feel that we are friends. Somehow that gets put that on me, though. I haven’t even seen her in months. She makes sure she’s gone before I get to the house on sleepover nights with my partner. I’m really sad about that sometimes because when things were new I felt like I had a friend. A real friend. Dare I say family. Sometimes I think maybe she didn’t expect my relationship with her husband to last long and she thought she could keep that fake friendship going till the end. But there is no end. Atleast not yet and not anytime soon. Ugh am I terrible for feeling that way? Sometimes I feel like she never really liked me at all and just tolerated me. But I used to like her alot. I used to talk to her about alot of shit. Now we do not speak at all. Meh. I just wish people could be real. There have been too many times we agreed to talk to our mutual partner about things that were bothering BOTH of us, and when the time came she left me hanging and made to look like I was the only one with an issue. Too many times the things I talked to her about weren’t private or were used against me. I don’t really even trust her anymore, I don’t feel safe with her. I am extremely guarded anytime we have to be around each other and it super sucks. I want more from my meta relationships. I’m not in the biz of forcing someone who doesn’t accept me for who I am to do so, though. But maybe that’s another fairytale. I don’t NEED my meta(s) to like me for my relationship with our mutual partner to be happy and healthy. Obvs. But why wouldn’t I want that?
Speaking of people not being real. I think I “lost” my best friend. But also did I ever have her as a best friend? Was she just MY best friend? We used to talk constantly. I called her my mean friend because she was always seemingly very real with me. She told me when I was maybe overreacting to a situation, or when I could have done better. She told me the truth, unlike some friends who tell you what makes you right. I need that. I respect the fuck out of that. But then I started helping her out with her kids during the day bc I’m not working. She paid me for those services which is great. Ever since then she only contacts me when she needs something from me. She contacted me 8 fucking months ago to get gummies from me and couldn’t even make time to pick them up. She paid for them. They sat in my freezer until they started to get weird and then they got eaten. Now yesterday she reached out to ask if would go spend the night w her kids bc their sitter flaked. My fucking heart broke. Bc I initially got excited when I saw her name come across the top of my phone screen. But she just needed something. I really miss having a best friend. A real best friend. I miss the female energy in my life. She toyed with me a little bit, acting like she was interested in me romantically. But like so many others, it was just about sex. I miss sex with women too but I don’t want JUST sex. Not from her, not from any other woman I may meet. I want more. I want a friend.
On the subject of sex, and women what the fuck. I don’t know the last time a woman was interested in me. Did I get too fat? I know, we already established that was bullshit but that’s the only thing that has changed about me. Women used to like me. I guess back then I was into casual sex though. So maybe I never really had any qualities attractive to other women other than just being sexually skilled. Did I just hurt my own feelings? YUP. Physical appearance isn’t the most important thing but humans like pretty humans and are initially attracted to that sometimes. I just wish someone would give me a chance. Get to know me. I can be fun!
This really got away from me but the idea is....I will wait forever for these things that I want. I deserve them. ? . I think.
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