this is the first personal entry i think i’ve ever written on here, other than my very first entry some nine years prior.
i’m having surgery on wednesday. my first surgery ever. i’ll be gone for something between a day and a week, depending on how it goes.
i’m not the healthiest person, so the actual, quite real possibility of this being my final act on this mortal coil is something that i haven’t quite been able to cope with, at least not yet. the surgery was moved up a full week, as well, so that breathing period i had was yanked from me, along with the surgeon that i originally talked to and coordinated things with.
nothing against the new surgeon; she seems up to task and didn’t seem concerned with what’s about to happen (surgery is a once or twice a lifetime major event for most humans, and it’s “wednesday” for a surgeon, if that makes sense) but still; there’s this doom hovering over me over the last few days that i can’t snuff out.
hopefully, everything will be fine, i’ll be cured of this stupid, failing gallbladder, and i’ll be right as rain in no time.
but that fear that it’s my time won’t shake. and the amount of worry and anxiety i’ve burned through the last decade or so rings at my head like a jilted lover’s final call, blaring, babbling, omnipresent,
there.
i hope this isn’t it. i do. but if it is, well.
at least i have these words to live on in the ether until we do ourselves in.
i’ll see you soon, gang. with any luck.
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