Choosing Forgiveness in A New Slate

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of my life is the fact that I could not hold on to a grudge for a long time. With the passage of time and some room to think to come to terms with my feelings, I am done with that person.

Meaning I tend to feel "nothing" for that person anymore - no anger, no bitterness, no regret. Just nothing. Then I erase that person from memory. Perhaps this could be another tragedy - my tendency to be cold and indifferent. But it is what it is.

But for this particular friend I made an exemption. Yesterday I picked up the phone and made the call. The conversation was, how do I say it, a bit awkward but we tried to converse like the old friends we were. The last time I talked to her was six years ago.

You see, she has done me wrong in the past. It was not the act itself but the fact that she managed to betray me despite the years of friendship behind us.

So what made me pick up that phone and call? I am not sure. It must be because of the kind of life I am living right now. You know, the kind of life where you live one day at a time, in a suitcase. The kind of life where you don't know where you will be next month. The kind of life where you are not sure when you will be coming home once you go.

So this friend of mine, the memories of friendship, has somewhat become an excess baggage I need to deal with. It is not so easy to just vanish her from my life. Whatever happened six years ago, her friendship was, for a time, helped me get through difficult episodes in my life I would rather forget.

This is another reason why I made that call to her yesterday. I thought hard about the kind of friend I was to her. She made wrong decisions in life and hurt me in the process. But I gave up on her too easily. I just let her go like that. What kind of a friend am I? Now I understand her more. Six years of silence, six years of living our own lives and now understand her more.

Was she jealous of me because I was happy and she was alone? Was she jealous of me because I had more control of my life? Was she jealous of me because it was easy for me to smile and laugh and she was miserable? Did she do it because she knew I would forgive and understand her in the end? Was it deliberately to hurt me or harm me? Or she was desperate and was crying for help?

Sure there are questions but I understand her more now. She is after all human - weaknesses and all. I am also human.

What if it was my turn to make lapses in judgement? I would want people, particularly those closest to my heart, to forgive and understand me. To help me get back on my feet.

Imagine people giving up on you just like that.