Congratulations...I'm sorry. in Another Lifetime Entirely

So here we are now. After 6 months of wedded “bliss”, we’ve decided that’s quite enough of that. Our grievances are very different but it’s apparent, I am just as intolerable to him as he is to me. It’s a failure. A really big one. A mess that’s going to take some time to clean up.

I must have initially thought I’d gotten away without a scratch. There’s a delayed reaction to the pain of this disappointment that I didn’t see coming. With all the warmth drained from our relationship and his increasing irritation and complaints, I felt like there would be relief once it was over. There definitely is some relief, but I’m not sure anything can mask the pain of giving up on what you once dreamed for. It’s not real though…my dream was not him; it was an imaginary version of him where he loved and supported me and cared what I had to say- The version of him that’s not an alcoholic and doesn’t criticize me and belittle me and freak out over housework. I dreamed of having a warm place in someone’s heart who adored me and someone who always believes the best of me and sees the best in me. None of its real though and this has become a nightmare.

We really do break our own hearts with our expectations. This has been a very important lesson for me to learn. I honestly just need a second to breathe; I am so weary from learning lessons and enduring my own failures.

Even though I’m fighting it like hell, I think I need a really good cry. A really ugly one, like the kind you leave your soul there in the shower. Tears come to us all at some point. I want to get mine over with so that I can move on and focus on real goals now.

It’s embarrassing the number of times I’m still congratulated on a marriage that has already ended. Congratulations. Oh, I’m so sorry.