Made it home by 6 pm. Logged nearly two whole days of driving since May 14th. Nearly 3000 miles.
I'm too tired for more details. I guess driving for 22 hours over the last 3 days gave me a lot of time to think. I cried a lot.
Cori is great, don't get me wrong. But... I don't know if I'm going to get over this. Hell, even if he doesn't spend much time anymore watching that stuff I found or looking at those photos (and even if he did, it's fundamentally okay with me) it's just that they were all Asian and had dark hair and were just PERFECT. And don't get me wrong again... The fact that they're Asian or Indian doesn't bother me... It's that... That's the type of girl he is turned on by... And I'm as white European as they come :(
I've always known his preferences, but seeing it physically for the first time... I'm still sick.
I got to Catie's house last night and tried to Skype with him but eventually couldn't keep doing it. So I told him I was going to bed but I didn't go to sleep for another 3 hours.
He sent me a text this morning (meaning Sunday, even though this entry is going to post on Monday the 26th) saying he was going to give me some space, but I at least thought he would text me to see that I made it back to DC in one piece. Nothing. He even put his status as "away" on Skype, something I've never seen him do before. Also he was in queue to join a game on League of Legends (online multiplayer arena game thing) but I happened to log on at the same time, and he left the queue as soon as I logged on, then he logged off. I think he saw my name pop up. I wasn't going to ask him to play.
In his text this morning he also suggested I talk in my group therapy this week about things, when I'd specifically told him about 10 times that the rest of this month's meetings were cancelled because my therapist is out of town until June 2nd or so, and I'll be "permanently" in Ohio by then. Yeah... Lot of good all that did. My last session would have been the 8th but that was cancelled too because she was sick (fine with me though because I had been throwing up all the previous day), and of course I was out of town on the 15th but I was hoping to make the last one of the month (would've been the 29th) but she's on vacation. I could write another separate entry on all that.
Anyway... Today is also my birthday (Monday, if it doesn't date properly). And I don't think Cori will say anything. To be honest, even if he does, I don't know that I'll respond.
How can I be so upset at a situation with a guy I love so much ?? I seriously don't know that I'll get over this. I can't get those images out of my head.
In other news... I ate half a subway sandwich yesterday and a light Starbucks frapuccino bottle today, then had half a sweet potato at dinner and a little salad. About 300 calories yesterday and maybe 400 today. I'm really hungry. But suddenly I don't want to ever eat again. And I don't even think I'll have any of my own birthday cake... Not with my body the way it is.
~Rachel
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