So I’m on a mission.
My boyfriend of two years has seemingly given me an ultimatum, without an actual ‘due date’.
Since the beginning, our relationship has been messy with fights, relationship skills, and parental issues. Since he and I are both getting older it’s time that we approach our relationship with a realistic, adult-like view. We graduate high school next year and have been planning on entering the world together, however we’ve never been able to come up with a solid plan. It looked like perhaps something was in the works about a month ago however a wrench has been thrown in; a wrench he will most likely accept. While I am supportive of whatever decision he makes for his future, I’m unappreciative of the lack of a plan or willingness to stick to one. I feel like he’s been dragging me through the mud on an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to making plans for the future. Not only that, but I feel like I’m always molding to fit his ideal future. However, I’m sure he feels the same way, so I can’t be too harsh about that.
That’s not the only issue. It seems like every problem he brings to the table gets swept aside from his perspective. He feels that he can never call me out or I’ll get angry, accuse him of doing the same thing, or point out a way he needs improvement as well. All of those scenarios are usually set in an aggressive environment. However while his feelings are definitely valid, and those situations definitely happen, usually things are brought up only when we’re in a conflict that I’ve started. And it’s usually while we’re arguing, instead of after we’ve resolved the conflict I originally brought to the table.
More over, when I get angry I tend to get angry fast, and it’s typically hard to get me to calm down. Usually it’s because he doesn’t say the right things or reassure me how I need, which I’ve been trying to teach him. Note that it’s not because I have legitimate anger issues, I’m incredibly loving and sweet. I’m just a very passionate person, and if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t get so angry. However, I’m at the point where I need to learn how to control my emotions. While I am definitely a logical woman who maintains her composure, behind closed doors I can be incredibly emotional, and he’s about the only person who gets to see that side of me.
That being said, all of my emotions tend to come crashing down on him. For a while I was reliant on him to lift my spirits whenever I was sad or in a foul mood, however that was about a year ago now and I’ve definitely worked on not being as codependent. He’s been the one thing keeping me going through my hard times, and sometimes I forget that it’s not his job to balance my emotions for me. So while now I don’t make him responsible for my feelings, he still has to deal with the backlash of my bad moods. In a typical scenario, the only case in which I get snippy with him is if he’s the one I’m upset with. If it’s an outside person or event there’s usually no ‘lashing out’ being done. Whenever I’m mad or upset he lets me vent or cry it out, and I can’t think of any instances in which I’ve taken my anger out on him. But, to his misfortune, whenever I do get angry he gets every ounce of passion in me,(remember, I’m a very passionate person, romantically and emotionally).
Another issue that I’ll mention is that considering that we’re both growing up, getting jobs, and looking at carriers, our long distance relationship won’t get as much attention that I feel it needs. He fairs better than I do whenever he’s visiting with family or has a busy day, although he still misses me. I however tend to get very irritated if he has free time he isn’t spending with me. I legitimately don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to spend time with me at the end of a busy day with no contact. And I mean not wanting to or thinking about it like he should, not merely being indifferent. However… I know that we’re both growing up. His life is a lot busier than mine, and considering that he’s a more social person he has more relationships to attend to than I do. Basically the issue here is that I need to adjust to not having as much time with him as I’ve gotten in the past. Minimum used to be two hours, which was usually enough to get some talking a laughing in. However things are going to be changing a lot in the next few years.
It seems like he’s moving forward in life sooner than I am. He’s been homeschooled almost his entire life and it’s likely that he’ll be signing a military contract in April, aside from that his dad is trying to graduate him. Other than his future he seems to be doing mentally better than me in the ways that matter. I’m not as self-depreciating as he is by a long shot, however when it comes to keeping his head above water he seems to be doing better right now, and as time goes on he’s getting better. Which is wonderful, that’s all I want for him. He’s been through enough and deserves to find peace and happiness in his life. But… where does that leave me? Stumbling far behind him as we walk the path of life? All because change is extremely difficult for me? I’m scared that he’ll heal and I won’t be fixed, and… I don’t want that to cause problems.
I’ve done a little research today on managing anger. It wasn’t very helpful for what I need, however I might be able to come up with a game plan on how to manage my anger. Most likely I’ll have to tell him that he said or did something that upset me, that I’m not in a condition to talk about it, and that I’ll text him once I’ve cooled down enough to talk to him calmly. I’m going to start tracking my mood as well, and I’m going to see if I can start studying for my classes daily to give me a feeling of accomplishment. It’s of note to myself to start reading daily as well; I have some books I need to finish. Along with a trilogy to write…
All of that having been said,
I’m not sure I have an ultimatum or not. We got into an argument a couple days ago and he pointed out everything that I’ve mentioned. He concluded that if I couldn’t fix all of those problems, he’d need to leave to preserve his own mental health and quality of life. Originally he wanted to take a break for two weeks. We’d still be exclusive to each other, just thinking about our relationship and having enough time away from each other to think objectively. During that week I was to try as hard as I could to improve my mindset enough to fix everything that needs fixing, along with working on my mental health.
However after a long day of talking things out he decided that he only wanted to take a break for a week. I asked if I still had to meet the same ‘standard’ in one week, and he said that it seemed unreasonable. At first before he requested only one week, I thought that if I couldn’t get my life together in two weeks, he’d walk away. For now it doesn’t look like he will. After the week is up he wants to see improvement. And continuing into the future he wants to continue to see improvement. However, if in time I’m not able to fix everything… he will leave.
He’s been the most important thing in my life for years now. He’s my best friend and lover, and much more than just a boyfriend. I feel as if I’ve barred my entire soul to him, so if you could imagine, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my body when he said he wanted to leave. I’ve felt pain like that very few times in my life, and the first time was the first time I lost him, years ago now. It brought back so many memories and feelings from long ago that I thought I had burred.
I’d like to note that I haven’t felt anything that strongly and that… “in the moment” since then, ‘then’ being when I first lost him. Perhaps after that I became emotionally numb to everything, most likely my brain’s last resort of survival. I haven’t been able to connect with people, every passing year feels like a giant blur of time, and I’m never actually present in the moment. I’m always lost in my head. My go-to coping mechanism when I’m going through something exceptionally upsetting is to pretend I’m upset in a fictional scenario. That way, I’m still technically getting my emotions out without actually having to face my problems.
That might be the reason why I have a hard time taking accountability for my wrongdoings. Unless I know it was absolutely horrid of me, I typically have a feeling of indifference when I hurt someone. I’m not entirely sure why I have such a hard time facing reality. Although I’d definitely like to think about it more, it’s a problem I want to fix. There have been many occasions when my significant other feels that I don’t care at all about what he’s expressing when I’ve done something wrong. I have some rare moments of apathy sure, but I find it hard for me to express compassion whenever it’s me in the wrong. I don’t want to be this way.
I’m incredibly tired. It’s getting late and I stayed up last night; I also have some things I want to accomplish before I go to sleep and I’m losing energy. To anyone struggling with their relationship, my heart goes out to you. I’m sure I share your pain on some level, best wishes.
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