Old Age in 2014

I’m trying to think back to when to begin this story but I’m not really sure where it started....

Last year (2021) I received a few phone calls from my Mum as her health has really started to decline. For context, she can go years without speaking to me so a few phone calls throughout the year feels like a lot. We’re not close. I think I’d spoken to her maybe 2 or 3 times in a few short months. These phone calls are nothing special. It’s mostly her asking how I am, how is work, how is sport, how is my kid etc.

I was casually debriefing with my brother when he tells me she’s moved from the NT to TAS to live with my sister.

And this happened 3 months ago.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

So I called her back and asked her if this was true. She says yes and the reason she didn’t say anything to me is because she wasn’t sure if it was going to be permanent or not.

She was flat out lying. I know here well enough by now to be able to pick her lies in 0.03 seconds. However I’ve learnt a long time ago not to poke THAT bear. If she wants to lie to me then that’s fine. She can lie.

Then she starts telling me how delightful it’s been living with my sister and her two kids. However she tells me she can’t get too close to the kids because she might get germs and that would send her to the hospital because she’s so sick etc. The way she makes it sound is that she’s a visitor and lives in her room, only coming out for family meals etc. It doesn’t sound like a cosy grandmother connecting with her daughter and grandchildren.

Anyway, I was processing that news when the following week my Mum was rushed to hospital and ended up in the ICU. I sent my sister a message saying please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help or support during this difficult time (we live on separate sides of the country). Mum improved but was told that she was too sick to return home and would need to be placed in an aged care home where she can receive regular medical treatment. She was put on a waiting list until a place became available.

While she was waiting for a place to become available Mum phoned me and asked me to come visit her for Christmas. She said that her aged care package included meals and accommodation for any family that come to visit her but they would need to pay for their own flights. I told her that I did not want to spend my Christmas with her (I have my own family to consider) but I would go visit her in December. She seemed OK with that.

She asked me if my daughter would come visit her as well. I asked my daughter and she said no thankyou. She’s met her once in 21 years and my Mum has never called or sent presents for her birthday or Christmas. My daughter works in hospitality and it’s the busiest time of year for her too. So she was looking forward to that. So I told my Mum that my daughter has said no thankyou and wisely my Mum chose not to push the issue.

So because my Mum was living in a hospital I made an effort to keep in touch with her a little more frequently. Again, I’m casually debriefing with my brother about talking to Mum and he mentions that she moved into an Aged Care home a month ago!

FOR FUCKS SAKE....

So I call and speak to her again and ask her if she moved. She casually mentions oh yes did I forget to tell you?! Then she starts telling me how nice it is where she is living. Assisted living is much easier, everything is easier from showering to eating etc. I’m genuinely happy for her that she’s a lot more comfortable. She sounds a lot more excited about living in the home than she did about living with my sister.

Then she casually mentions that she was mistaken earlier and her aged care package does not cover family and friends visiting her. That any family or friends who come visit will need to pay for their own flights, accommodation and food.

My brother and I speak and he tells me that he’s going to fly over to TAS to visit Mum and stay with our sister. He wanted to know if I wanted us to fly over together. I told him I didn’t have enough money for flights and accommodation. I also told him that I don’t want to stay with my sister if I do go over to TAS. There’s a huge age gap between us, we didn’t grow up together and we don’t share a close relationship. In the times we have spent time together we find it difficult to get along with each other. I don’t think she’s a bad person. I just think we have different values and don’t really enjoy each others company.

So I called Mum to tell her my decision. I wouldn’t be coming to visit her in December as originally planned because covering the costs of everything myself wasn’t financially possible.

She was not happy and went on the attack, instantly. At first she told me to go get a bank loan so I could come visit her. I told her I can’t even get a car loan so the bank is not going to give me a holiday loan. I work in Community Services now and it pays A LOT LESS than IT. Then she tells me to stay with my sister. When I told her that I don’t want to do that she asks me why can’t I be a better person? Why can’t I have a better relationship with my sister and aren’t I too old to be this pathetic?

My Mum tells me that when she was starting to get really sick my sister jumped on a plane with her 2yo daughter and flew to the NT where she then packed all of Mum’s belongings, sold all her furniture and flew her to TAS where she had a room ready for her. My Mum was signing my sisters praises on what a wonderful person she is. I told my Mum I’m really pleased that you both had that experience however my experiences with my sister have not been that pleasant.

My sister never told me she was pregnant, both times. Family members mentioned it in my presence the first time she was pregnant. I didn’t know about her second child until Mum casually mentions the child is now 2yo. I don’t even know their names. My sister doesn’t owe me anything but it did hurt a little being left out of that news. It’s never nice to find out that you’re not included. Especially when it comes to family.

7 years ago when my sister and I were arguing I was getting frustrated at how stupid and hurtful she was being. I called my Mum and asked her if she would speak to my sister on my behalf. Maybe listen to her point of view, help her work through some of her frustrations. Then maybe we could get our relationship back on track. My Mum turned around and told me that she would not get involved in any way shape or form because it has nothing to do with her.

So in response to my Mum asking me why can’t I have a better relationship with my sister and aren’t I too old to be this pathetic… I responded by telling her that my sister and I are not close. That I didn’t even know about her kids etc. I also reminded my Mum that 7 years ago I asked for her help in managing the relationship with my sister and her response was “It has nothing to do with her.” So I have managed the relationship with my sister in the best way I know how and I have done it without her support. So she doesn’t get to now sit there, judge me or have an opinion about it.

Yeah, she didn’t like that. So she goes on the attack again and says with a real mean tone “You’ve pushed away all the family and isolated yourself. Do you even have anyone left?”

At that point I told her I needed to go and ended the phone call. I followed up with a SMS the next day saying I didn’t appreciate the way she doesn’t respect my boundaries. She told me I’m a terrible person for putting “terms and conditions” on visiting her.

Then the next day my sister calls me.

eye-roll

My sister is worried that the reason I’m not going to go visit Mum is because of her. God only knows what crap my Mum has told my sister now.... So I told my sister what I told Mum. Initially when I was under the impression that her aged care package included accommodation and food I could afford to visit. However now that she has clarified that I have to cover all the costs myself I am not in a financial position to be able to afford to visit her. Mum’s solution was to stay with my sister but with all due respect that is not something that I would like to do. Coping with this whole Mum situation is difficult enough, I don’t want to add a layer of complexity by staying with my sister, again no offense. My sister was totally cool with that and was relieved to hear the truth of the situation. She warned me that Mum hasn’t changed and is still mean. She said so many times she’s had to walk away because out of no where Mum will just attack her and say the most awful mean things to her. Like calling her cold, uncaring and unloving. It was interesting hearing that from my sister because all Mum ever says is how wonderful she is. I told my sister that too and she said well she never talks to me like that to my face. My sister also told me to come visit Mum because I want to, not because she’s telling me to. My sister said that now she is receiving regular medical care that she can last another 2yrs if not longer. So she’s not dying and there’s no rush to go see her. My sister also said that she is not offended by my comments of not wanting to stay with her. The situation is already difficult enough to deal with without adding that layer of complexity to it. I told my sister I don’t think she’s a terrible person, I just think we have different values and often find it challenging to get along as a result. My sister agreed and said the only time we really spend together have been during these high pressure family events which doesn’t help matters either. I agreed. My sister said she was really surprised by my message of support when Mum was in the ICU. I said to my sister I’m still a part of the family and I still care what happens to Mum. I told my sister that I took a step back from my relationship with her because it was “too hard” and I was a single Mum who needed to focus on raising a teenager on my own. I didn’t have the capacity. I made the decision to put my own family first. If that means I was less available to support Mum and her drama then so be it. I put in a solid 26 years of support. However I’m still a part of this family and I still care what happens to my Mum.

Having that conversation with my sister was a relief. So I followed it up with a counselling session.

The counsellor hit the nail on the head by saying I think your Mum has BPD. My Mum does have BPD and she is impossible to deal with. She’s gone and created all this drama because she didn’t get what she wanted. Why couldn’t she just respond by saying I’m really disappointed, I was looking forward to seeing you. Instead of saying why can’t I be a better person and aren’t I too old to be this pathetic. Then when I ask her to please respect me I’m putting terms and conditions on things. Agh!!!! Impossible! I told the counsellor I don’t want to go visit her. Why would I want to spend my time and money on such a horrible person who is going to make me feel like this?! The counsellor said that is the problem with people with BPD they push the people they love away with their terrible behaviour. Which is true. My Mum has no one left.

The counsellor told me to focus on my own feelings and to keep enforcing my personal boundaries. She told me that if I keep allowing my boundaries to not be respected then I’m going to continue feeling terrible.

My brother came to see me to tell me he was going to travel to TAS for a week (two weeks before Christmas) and he got a little frustrated with me. He said that he feels like the situation with my sister is all one sided and if I actually spoke to my sister I’d soon discover that I’m the one making all this drama. I told my brother that my sister and I had actually spoken and the feelings are mutual. When I told my brother how my conversation with Mum went when I told her I wasn’t going to go visit. He told he it was upsetting him hearing about everything. I said I’m sorry it has upset him, that it wasn’t my intention to upset him and that I’m just informing him of everything that has transpired so he is in a position of knowing the truth and not the perverse version that my Mum comes up with; like she did to my sister.

It’s always been difficult having delicate conversations with my brother. His immediate reaction is to always react unreasonably emotional. He will yell, scream, cry etc over the smallest of things. It’s really unpleasant.

Thankfully he respected my words though. Yay for enforcing boundaries and shutting down that behaviour. I hate doing it but it really is effective.

I sent over a present for my Mum with my brother. It was a pair of pyjamas, a pair of slippers that my daughter chose, a cute cushion and a cross word puzzle book. Growing up my Mum would always buy the Women’s Day magazine to do the cross word puzzle. My brother sent me a photo of Mum unwrapping to present and said she was really happy.

The day my brother left WA the COVID situation changed and they upgraded the borders saying anyone travelling in/out had to register their travel. The day my brother returned to WA they upgraded the borders again stopping all travel. My brother’s plane was the last one allowed back in. He was met by the police who escorted him to get COVID tested and then he was sent straight to quarantine. He lives by himself so he was able to go home to self quarantine. The WA police check in on him on a regular basis to make sure he’s following the quarantine rules.

So my brother was in quarantine for Christmas and if I had of gone with him I would have been in quarantine too and missed out on spending it with my daughter. I feel validated in my decision not to go for that reason alone.

My brother wasn’t phased by Christmas. He had planned to spend it by himself on twitch and playing computer games. When he was living with me he use to get upset that he had to stop gaming to come have Christmas lunch with us. He really doesn’t value his family.

I spoke to Mum on Christmas Day. She insisted on face timing and when she came on the screen my sisters daughter was there. She looks exactly like my sister at that age. I don’t know her name though. It felt really awkward. I asked Mum if she liked the present we sent over and stressed that my daughter chose the slippers. Mum said she liked the cushion. I asked her if she liked the crossword book as my brother said she devoured it. She said it was OK and that my brother showed her how to look up words online so she could finish the puzzles.

I was looking for some feedback so I could send her more presents. All I wanted her to say was that she loved the crossword book and I’d send her some more. They’re only $3 each. But she wouldn’t say anything positive. She didn’t even acknowledge the comment about my daughter choosing the slippers. All she said is she wants me to come visit her and send her photos. She said she doesn’t want or need anything else.

eye-roll She didn’t even wish my daughter a Merry Christmas. Grandmother of the year, right here!

I’m weird about the photos. I refuse to send them to her. You don’t get to be an absentee mother and grandmother but get sent photos so you can pretend you’re a part of your daughters family. Gross. It makes me really uncomfortable so it’s not something I do.

So I’m at a bit of a crossroads on what to do now. The COVID situation has escalated again and all travel is now banned. So going to visit her isn’t an option right now. Can’t say I’m not pleased about that… Certainly takes the pressure off my shoulders a little.

I’m going to book a few more counselling sessions to talk about how I feel about things. At this point I don’t want to visit her at all, ever. I did want to send her gift packs to make her feel a little better but she’s shutting that idea down hard by being uncooperative. The only reason she’s acting that way is because she’s not getting what she wants though.

We had a really lovely Christmas celebration this year. My best friend Dan came over and spent the day with my daughter & I. We shared an awesome home cooked Christmas lunch and played lots of board games. Drank cocktails and watched Christmas movies. In the lead up to Christmas we went to lots of Christmas parties including one with our gym. That was a lot of fun. The work Christmas party this year wasn’t so fun but seems to be fitting for 2021. My daughter enjoyed her first ever work Christmas party. And I got to see in the new year with one of my very closest friends Mikey while my daughter was out partying with her friends.