I’ve dealt with loss before. My grandfather, grandmother, a close friend. This, however, felt different. People will say it was just a pet, but my pup was my baby for more than half my life. She was there every time I came home, with her tail wagging and ears back in happiness. I’ve dealt with loss of family members, but this hurt the most. Not only has she been with me for over 15 years, but she’s been my source of happiness, most especially when I feel alone. Now that she’s gone, I feel even more alone and scared.
I’ve mentally prepared myself for her passing after the 15 year mark. Not because that’s the age that most dogs usually live until, but because she had a disease. Something that is unable to be cured, but by maintaining monthly visits to the doctor for a monthly shot, along with steroids every morning, we would be able to prolong her life. That went on for about 5 years. She had a crisis 2 times in total within 5 years. The first was when we discovered her condition. The second happened a few months ago, and I believe that’s when her condition started to deteriorate. She was wobbly as she walked. Barely ran like she used to. She was old, but before that event, she still ran around the house as if she was 5 years old. After the crisis, her physical capabilities took a 180, and I was constantly worried about her.
Right before her passing, her condition seemed like it was deteriorating. She wasn’t eating, even with the steroids we give her every morning. We had to force-feed her, but even then that was difficult. She was weak and barely got up from her bed. However, even in her bed, she looked very uncomfortable. So she would get out of her bed, take about a few steps forward, slip on the floor a bit as she did that, then just stand there without moving for a few minutes. These never happened before, and I was very concerned. It was as if her back legs were really weak from standing or walking, but also was uncomfortable sitting on the bed. That’s when her labored breathing occurred. You could see her fast-paced breathing. You would think it’s normal for dogs to breathe heavily, but it’s different in her case. She never does that unless she was really active prior or if it’s too hot, such as during the summer months. And during those times, her mouth is usually open, panting with each breath. This time, her mouth wasn’t open, just breathing through her nose, and she was just laying uncomfortably on the bed. When I say uncomfortably, I mean in a position that’s not normal for her. At this point, I had to make the biggest decision of my life. I did not want her to suffer anymore. She had already gone through 2 crises. I did not want to put her through suffering again and again. Though my heart was breaking even contemplating the decision, I knew I didn’t want there to be a situation where she passes away at any moment in the house without anyone knowing. I feel like that would hurt me even more to witness. In the end, we had to put her down at the vet ER.
The minutes before she passed as they euthanized her…I can’t get those images out of my head. Lifeless… Every time I think about it, I start to cry. She didn’t know what was happening to her. Then the guilt came. Did I make the wrong decision? Does she hate me for choosing this for her? Does she know how much I loved her? These feelings and thoughts still go through my head.
She was part of my family. She was my baby. I’m still trying to cope with her not greeting me when I come home. I feel lonely in this house without her, even with my other family in the house. I still am not ready to talk about her with anyone. Barely anyone knows of her passing. Just a few close friends and the rest of my family. We received her ashes in a box in the mail, but I haven’t had the courage to open it yet. I have so many pictures of her on my phone, but I haven’t had the courage to look at them either. I have to hold myself back from calling out her name throughout the house out of habit when I don’t see her in the same room as me. I have to hold myself back from the habit of saying bye to her before leaving the house. I have to hold myself back from the habit of looking for her when entering my home.
It hurts so much. I know it will take some time to accept this loss, but right now, I’m just not ready.
Loading comments...