15/12/2021 Didn't think I would write an anonymous entry. in Thoughts

Where to begin. The date would make the most sense. It’s the 15/12/2021. It has been roughly 566 days since I broke up with my ex girlfriend during the height of Covid19.

We had been together just under 4 years when the relationship ended at the end of May 2020. Our 4th year was going to be on August 28th. Why is this all significant, well just prior to going into lockdown we were going to go on a holiday to NYC at the beginning of June just before our 4th year anniversary.However with covid19 restrictions now in place, we were hoping they were going to be lifted so that we could still go. Going back to the 1st of January 2020 is where this all starts though. It was on this day that I purchased the engagement ring, with the full intent of proposing to her in or just before NYC later in the year.

Now why not do it sooner you ask. Well this was just before finding out about Covid19 and within the space of the next 2 months the would would then go into a full lockdown that has lasted in some capacity with restrictions for the last 2 years. Now this was all unknown to us at the time and even when the pandemic hit we still thought that we may well be able to get away and that it would only last a couple of weeks at best.

We didn’t live together and still both lived with our parents, but a choice needed to be made in light of Covid and I decided ultimately to spend the time with my family as she did with hers to make sure everyone was safe.

It was during this time that things clearly started, not going down hill, but talking etc started getting less and less because well there was nothing to talk about. Everyone was in the same position and very quickly that became evident.

I was naive, I being classic me thought nothing was wrong. Living in my own little world thinking in next to no time everything will go back to normal. It didn’t and it hasn’t still.

It wasn’t to long though before we were allowed to meet with people from different house holds after nearly two months in the first lockdown. It was then on our first walk outdoors together in two months that I got the feeling something was up. I was so happy to see her. But she was quiet and it was very clear right away if it was because something was on her mind.

I drove home after a few hours and was really pissed off that she didn’t really speak to me. Here was the woman that we had been planning on living together and having children etc and having these types of conversations only a few days prior and yet this meet up just felt so cold. The rest of that evening we didn’t talk and not because that was made clear, more because I wanted to see if she would make contact first. This was the first time in our 4 year relationship that I felt like she just didn’t care which was completely unlike her.

24 hours passed and she still didn’t message, not even a good morning which we did every single day without fail. Later that day I called her out on it and said something along the lines of ” well its nice of you to say “Hi” to me today”. She used the excuse that she was busy all day, and then followed it up that we can have a good chat when we meet tomorrow. We were meant to see each other for the second time that week on the Saturday. However her phrasing of the sentence threw up alarm bells. I called her out again and said “Why wait until Saturday, lets talk now”. This went back and forth until eventually she said that during the pandemic she finally realised that she relied on me to much and that she didn’t feel the same way anymore now that she knew she could look after herself by herself. This hurt because she didn’t ever rely on me, she was so strong and independent. She did suffer with anxiety in the background in our family lives but knew how to manage this well. So I thought maybe this is where it had all stemmed from and because we hadn’t seen each other it was all to much.

I drove to hers that night with the engagement ring I had bought months previous. Not to try and win her over but more to show her if she thought I wasn’t being comital enough that this was the step I was heading towards. She cried her eyes out when she saw it. I even let her try it on albeit it was a bit big and still needed to be resized prior to us going to NYC. She loved it and its exactly what she wanted just not with me. I drove away that night after giving her one final kiss and her getting out my car crying her eyes out as we mutually ended our relationship.

fast forward 566 days. we have had contact 3 times in the past year and half and both gone our separate ways. She now has a flat and changed up her style. She looks like she’s doing really well for herself and I honestly couldn’t be happier for her, she deserves it. I still have the ring in my wardrobe and cannot bring myself to ever get rid of it. What scares me the most is that I haven’t gone a day without thinking about her and what could have been. Since that relationship its been very lonely. Don’t get me wrong I’ve gone out and tried to date and meet people since but its not the same. I’m scared to commit but at the same time I want nothing more than to meet someone and make them happy.

As you can probably tell from the above I’ve never gotten over the above. I’m a 33 year old male now and I have no direction as to where i’m going. Since this all happened I haven’t really felt a purpose. Before I was building toward thing like a house and the prospect of kids. but now I have nothing. I have a decent job and would not change that for anything, but even this is starting to fall by the wayside. I’ve never been the type of person to dwell on the past and usually im very good at pushing past it all and carrying on.

So why can I not do that this time? you would not even believe me when I say I think about this question 100’s times a day. And yet I still have no answer.

So why write about it all… well as part of me was hoping that if I finally put the words down on paper that magically something would come to me and it would all start making sense. Whilst the other part of me is immortalising the above so that I dont forget it. But really I know why i’m writing this. It’s in the small hope that now that its down on paper that I can forget about it. That it can finally all be out of my head and that I can move past it all and actually start living a life again and not being afraid of meeting someone new. I also want to stop having that thought in my head about what she would think if she saw me moving on or if that person wasn’t better than her. Would she be cruel in the background and silently rub it in that I couldn’t do better than her. I know she wouldn’t, but that paranoid thought lingers.

I haven’t ever really given up my love for her. I love her unconditionally and have done since the first day I met her. And I suppose because the relationship had to end because she was the one that fell out of love, made it so much harder to just forget about it. I didn’t get a say in the matter. I was still really happy with her and loved her and thinking we were going to have kids and get a house and start this family. and yet here we are, 566 days later and I’m sitting here writing a monologue of the events to try and help me move on whilst she has moved on.

So why is that. Why can I not do that this time? Why do I have to sit here for that length of time not being able to get past it all? I don’t think I will ever be able to answer that question. I just hope that someday something will click and I will be able to start having my life back again and be happy knowing that we both gave as much as we could to each other whilst we could.

Last updated December 29, 2021