The No Contact Concept in Life |2021|

A couple things happened this week.

1. My ex-fiance texted me. After stressing how much I do not ever want to hear from her, she always manages to find a way or some reason to contact me. This time it was to send condolences after seeing an Instagram post from early September about one of my dogs, Averi, that passed away. Keep in mind my ex is supposed to be blocked on all platforms. Also, keep in mind we broke up in December 2017. Ignored and blocked.

2. On Thursday I open my email in the morning to one from my mother. Who cut us out of her life and has had zero contact with me since then, which was the end of August. She has taken to emailing us vs. texting - she’s emailed my brother a couple times since she cut us out. One time was recent where she decided to drop off everything she had bought for my niece and had her house at my brothers. She also took my sister off of her insurance plan (my sister is 24, a full time college student, who works part time as a substitute teacher). Anyway, I wake up on Thursday to an email that says:

“I know you don’t want to hear from me and I wish I could say I understand, but I don’t completely. I’m working on my issues and can’t resolve some of them until I know why you cut me out even before all the crap that went down. You probably think you didn’t, but I felt you stopped really talking to me or telling me anything except for in the group text. The bs that happened was the icing on the cake. I may be seeing it different than you are, actually I’m sure I am or not seeing it at all and I’d like to understand. I know you don’t have to answer that but I hope you will. I miss you, love you and always wondering how you’re doing.”

I immediately just trashed it. I just can’t. The intent of her email is clear, she is only doing this for herself. Nothing in that email tells me anything has changed. She doesn’t recognize what she has done. And starting off an email saying, “I know you don’t want”, and still ignoring that boundary (which is funny because that’s how the ex’s text started out too). And there’s so much “why you” and “you think you didn’t”. And her healing/getting better doesn’t need to involve me.

I’m just so tired. Just please, I want to live a tranquil, drama free life. I’ll cut anyone out who doesn’t respect that.

And I’m just struggling with…am I the issue here? Is it wrong of me to just cut people out left and right.... First my father and now my mother.... I imagine being a parent isn’t easy, but there’s some clear cut things that you can’t do. Emotionally and verbally abusing us. Putting our lives in danger because of your opiate addiction. Those are hard things you can’t come back from or are hard to come back from.

And it’s at times like now where when I try to think of why I’m doing this and the things they have done that I block it all out of my mind, can’t think of the why, and just want to go back to them all, including the fiance.

Because for fucks sake I just want someone that was supposed to be there to just be there. To choose us. To choose me. To truly love us. I feel like I’m Meredith Grey on Grey’s Anatomy giving her speech to Derek. The drama.

But it just sucks. And I think it’s the holiday season too. Trying to process this first season not doing anything with my mother. It’s hard. And I think it’s just now hitting me how much that hurts. And then I wonder, will there come a time that I will regret these lost moments? Moments that we won’t get back.

I’ve been crying throughout writing this and my dogs keep coming up to stare at me like I’ve lost it. And maybe I finally have.

xx Shea