alone in idk

the first thing I instinctively felt like writing was “i’ve never felt this lonely before,” but the fact is, deep down I’ve always been this lonely. It’s like all the times I made connections with people weren’t real. all the fun times with friends were fun for a moment, but they were temporary, intervals of normality punctuating long stretches of solitude. and they only existed because they didn’t know me well enough to realize that i’m empty. My life is what I’ve made it, a place i wander in and out of, usually numb. i see my friends every day and act like i have faith in their friendship. My friends only think they love me. the person they really love is not me. It’s like that quote, “loneliness is an absolute discovery”, meaning, once i think i’m lonely, it’s hard to imagine that I have ever not been. Why is it that it’s taken me so long to realize I’m this shell of a human being, incapable of loving or being loved, never able to change, still that same kid in the sixth grade unable to speak? maybe because I’ve found hobbies to occupy myself with, maybe it’s because i deluded myself into believing the dream that i am ok, instead of accepting the reality that I have never felt ok with myself, and probably never will.