Its been 19 days since my last entry and in that time I have managed to blow my entire life up. I’ve been talking in circles for so long that speaking about my abuse is something I can’t seem to do. So instead I decided to shout it as loud as I possibly could. Literally, figuratively. The first phone call I made was to my mother. I rehearsed it several times beforehand and then the minute she picks up I go completely off the rails and begin with “The first time your husband sexually assaulted me was on your waterbed…” Way to ease her into the conversation. I continued to word vomit story after story of the abuse I silently endured for years. For 10 minutes, I recalled the 3 years he visited me at night. How his nightly visits became longer and longer as time went on. How I just don’t understand that she didn’t know it was going on while she lay in bed down the hall. How angry I was that it happened with not only him but the one from before. I laid it all out and then the phone went silent. I didn’t hear from her again until the next day where she shared with me that he admitted to it. He’s gone now. It’s okay, you’re safe. That’s supposed to somehow bring me comfort. I felt safer knowing where he was every day. Since then I’ve began having nightmares again but instead of him having his way with me and then leaving, he stays and kills me. This morning I woke and I saw him standing in my doorway. I blinked and he was gone but I know he’ll visit again tonight.. and the next night and the night after that. I’ve been getting texts from family members I have not heard from in years sharing their support which means it’s out there. Of course she gets to be the victim in this. Woe is me and more narcissistic bullshit.
I’m way overdue for a therapy session. So much has happened since we last spoke. I’m running out of tools in my box. Everything I have now is dull or broken. I feel broken. I thought for sure that speaking my truth would make feel powerful but its been the opposite. All I feel is powerless.
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