just got home from my statistics final. it is over! thank god that class is over!
im oddly not feeling that happy about it. im not sure how well i did. i definitely fucked up a few questions and i dont think i wrote my critique the way i needed to. i didnt catch one major thing about the study...sigh i just dont care. i dont know what it is, but i dont care.
i dont ever want to research anything. i never have. im not interested. give me facts, tell me what to do, im fine. look it up? create my own experiment? you gotta be fucking kidding me. i want to teach music, not experiment with it. fuck that! i dont care about statistics. i dont care about putting numbers into equations, ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE NOW COMPUTER PROGRAMS TO DO IT FOR YOU!!! i feel like i sound like a stupid, ignorant bitch. i probably do...i just HATE math. i hate it. i honestly did not understand half the shit he went over or why we needed to know it. i just cant. there was a question on there about why a split-half test would be valid and i could not answer it. i literally wrote "i have no idea". i just know that its a valid test! i dunno...i dont want to write a book about experimental music teaching strategies. I DONT. i never did. i just want to help kids learn about MUSIC and its inherent VALUE to their everyday LIFE! is that too much to ask? apparently...according to NYS....
so yeah im not even happy i got through it. i want to punch someone or something. it might be the hunger or the tiredness, but i just want to hit something. this is mainly how ive felt almost every wednesday after getting home from this class since the semester started. i just...math makes me angry. not understanding something makes me angry and frustrated. did i put my all into this class? nope. not even close. so im mad at myself for that too. i could have and should have known almost every answer on that test. it wasnt that hard. but i didnt study and thats on me. just...fuck!
and we should be moving tomorrow into our new apartment. and im mad at dann because we havent had sex in about a month. im really starting to sort of resent him because he hasnt had sex with me. but ive been prickly and when im not, he gets home so late hes too tired and im too tired. not always though...there have been a few nights where i went to bed alone and he was playing a game or watching tv. we talked about that too...ive felt hes put stupid shit like the tv over me a few times this month. i dont know if its because of moving into our own place or what, but something is not right with him. hes just been really distant and even after talking about it hes still distant. and theres nothing i can do. he wont even be home until after 930 tonight, so good luck trying to talk to him then!
sigh we just need to fucking move and be on our own. i need to get my students to their final performance and get through these moving up ceremonies. then itll be wedding day. holy shit...
the wedding is a month away tomorrow.
let the countdown begin.
~mana~
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