Secrets in My Unpredictable Life ...

“They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it” ~Song by Mary Lambert

Will this year never end? I would gladly re-do 2020 and all its epic shitshows than to continue to take the punches 2021 has dealt me. I’m over it.

I know, I know, where ya been, Sassy?

I’ve been trying to survive, People’s. That’s where I’ve been.

So I’m about to vent. And I’m swearing you all to secrecy. Mum is the word. I’m serious. This has to stay off Facebook until I can discuss it on Facebook. Which will be anytime after Dec. 11. I can’t have The Child finding out about it before then. Reason being is that she is in her last 2 weeks of this semester, which are jammed packed with finals, and that is what she needs to concentrate on. This will be her 3rd semester on the Principle’s List and I am not ruining that for her by distracting her. Two weeks is not that long to wait to tell her. You can private message me all you want about this, but do not mention it on Facebook! Please respect my wishes.

January 2021 - My mother passed away and I have already written an entry about that. My mental state is not much better today in regards to her passing than it was when I wrote my last entry. It is what it is.

February 2021 - I became “acting GM” on top of my Sales Manager position and carrying the stress and work load of both positions near about did me in.

March 2021 - A new GM was hired and he officially took over March 22. Little did I know that my nightmare was just beginning with him.

April 2021 - I finally ran out of all my medication refills and could no longer get them renewed so I had to bite the bullet and find a local doctor and get myself established here. I was diagnosed with diabetes and started my long journey with that.

May 2021 - I had a mammogram and all came back well with that. The Child finished her freshman year of college. We made a whirlwind trip to SC to empty out my Mom’s storage unit. I didn’t find a lot of the stuff I was looking for because I didn’t get to go through every box. My brother wanted the unit emptied so we could be done with the last of everything. Hubby was just in a hurry to get it done & over with & The Child, well she was just trying to help but she had no clue what most of the stuff in the boxes were. It is what it is. I can’t take any of it with me when I die so … I at least have my memories.

June 2021 - I had my 1 year anniversary as Sales Manager. Scored not one but 2 $100K+ group contracts. Had an updated thyroid ultrasound and I do believe this endocronologist is the worst I have seen for my thyroid since I began in 2008.

July 2021 - I had a CT Cardiac Calcium Score test done because my endocronologist is conviced that I am knocking on deaths door. If you have never had one done, basically they do a scan of your chest to look see how many/bad blockages you have in your arteries. The closer to zero your score is the less blockage you have. The nurse told me not to be upset if my score came back in the high hundreds or even the thousands because this test will catch it and they can move forward with a plan of action. My score came back 1. That is one. I thought he was going to order a re-do because he was in disbelief. I guess that baby aspirin I have been taking everyday for the last 33 years paid off.

We also said goodbye to our dog of 16 & 1/2 years. It was quick and she suffered and it was pretty traumatic for The Child. Hubby was out of town for work so I had to deal with it all. We made the decision to put her to sleep to end her suffering and when the vet left the room to go get the drug, she stopped breathing on her own in The Child’s arms. I hope I never have to experience anything like that ever again.

August 2021 - Saw me visiting an allergist. I am allergic to Tetanus but I can have Tetanus Toxiod administered in tiny doses over an 8 hour time frame. My last one was in 2007 so it is time for a new one. I’m still waiting to have it because for some reason they can’t get ahold of the dose? I’m still trying to figure it all out but because I stay so busy, I just haven’t had the time to follow up on it. I also had a follow up eye exam on the hemorage in the back on my left eye that was discovered in 2019. It’s gone but I am in the beginning stage of glaucoma.

The Child started her sophomore year of college. A friend from Kansas joined her as a freshman. She lives with us as well during breaks and stuff.

I reached a huge career milestone - I am 1 of 3 Top Sales Leaders for the first half of 2021. I didn’t know they had such a thing - I knew they did a yearly, pre-COVID, but didn’t know they had brought it back - and I especially never thought I would see myself in the running because I am only a Sales Manager, not a Director of Sales, and DOS’s are the only ones who win. But here I am sitting next to 2 DOS’s for the first half of 2021. Don’t worry, I know I won’t be getting it for the year.

September 2021 - Saw me finally getting my anual review. Y’all. I have never been so heartbroken. The new GM - who had no business being a part of my review - and for some strange reason I was not a part of the meeting with those reviewing me - made it to where I will never see Director of Sales as long as I remain at this hotel. He fucked me so bad that all I can do is cry.

We have a good size property. Because we are extended stay we aren’t very busy so we don’t have the amount of staff that say a casino property would have. My last property sees on average 60+ check ins/outs per day. We see, on a busy day, about 25. So we have no need for a huge amout of staff. The property is 4 years old and has always had a GM, GSM, EH, DOS/SM, CE. The Prick came from a different brand hotel in another state and that’s all he knows. He is continually trying to turn our property into what he previously had. 8 months later and you’d think he’d quit talking about it as if he just left last week but nope. He hates our management company, the same people who give him his paycheck. He is always finding ways of getting out of what they want him to do. He never has anything nice to say about them. Anyway, he has decided to pawn most of his responsibilities off on the GSM, which she stupidly does. For some reason, he convinced senior management to let him promote the GSM to AGM - which she just became GSM back in March so that is 2 major promotions in 6 months.

So now because she is AGM, the property cannot finacially afford both an AGM and DOS so I got shafted. The property had never had an AGM because there was no need for one. But we have one now. All my predecessors were DOS’s. I am only Sales Manager because I had to work my way up, not having come from a sales background. Had she not been promoted to AGM, I would now be a DOS. But I am now stuck in a dead end job with no hope of ever moving forward. I got screwed in the worst fuckin’ way imaginable.

October 2021 - The Child turned 20. That’s all I can get out of this month. She. Is. Twenty!

November 2021 - I finally got in to see dermatology. The appointment was only made at the beginning of May. For some reason 6 months out was the soonest they could schedule me. She removed 2 moles, which is nothing new to me. Those that know me in real life know I am covered in moles, thanks to my Daddy.

They both came back cancer.

Melanoma and basal cell carcinoma.

Y’all, please don’t tell my child her mother has cancer before I can tell her. Please, I beg of you.

6 days ago I had a huge chunk of my back surgically removed to get rid of the melanoma. I have 24 stitches. I go in January to surigcally remove the basal cell carcinoma from my forehead.

The day after surgery I went home to SC for Thanksgiving. 10 hours in a car. With The Child who has no clue about the surgery. To visit family members who do not know about the cancer or surgery, who squeezed me hard with every hug, both of their arms across my back, hands patting my incision. Why no one asked about the padding they had to of felt, I don’t know. Maybe that’s my one solace in having to suffer … no questions asked.

I’m so traumatized over all this.

If the surgery’s get everything then I won’t have to go through chemo or radiation. But I’m still months away from knowing for sure.

In the meantime I pray.

And I keep on keepin’ on.

In a dead end job that I now hate showing up for.

Doing this life alone …