Abuse was Introduced in Trauma

Once I realized that I was the “Black Sheep” of the family, I started to fall back. I kept my mouth shut, did what my parents asked and that was it. I did not get to go outside and play with the other kids for many years. My childhood was robbed from me in the blink of an eye. Staying quiet and submissive was not enough.
We lost someone dear to us to suicide. This changed everything even more. My parents were drinking all the time. If they were speaking to me it was yelling at me and beating me. My dad would stomp me down in a corner with his work boots. My mom would smack me in the back ever since I got the diagnosis of Scoliosis which caused severe back pain. I would get thrown to the floor, told everything bad was my fault and practically starved.
My parents went to the club one night, this night was out of control. My siblings were being bad, trashing the house, going in the pool, inviting friends over. I was panicking and trying to get everything under control before they got home. Though I put in tremendous efforts, I failed. They came home and everything was a mess. They were drunk, what else was new. My dad started screaming at me and said he has had enough. He got in his car and drove off. Now that my mom was home, everyone went to bed. My mom gave me the most evil, disgusted look and so I too went to bed. The next day, I came down to the kitchen and my mom was there. She said “Well your dad is in Virginia now, it’s all your fault. Get the hell away from me” and she snarled and gave a look of despise towards me. I went to my bed and cried for hours.
Since then, my dad made sure to criticize everything about me. He made fun of my hair, make up, style and so on. I could never form a sense of self because I was mocked for every attempt. I started to hate myself.
I started to turn to boys for attention that I desperately craved. I got compliments and gifts, it felt truly nice to be wanted. I was very flirtatious but, I did not act on anything. I just wanted the attention. At fourteen years old, I had this boyfriend. He was constantly pressuring me to do sexual things with him and I would just freeze up. I did not know what to say or do but I did not want any of it. The touching turned into him wanting more. I struggled with what to say or do so once again I was silent. He lied his body on top of me and then he pushed himself inside. I said it hurts, but he continued. To this day, I struggle to really understand that day. I did not say no but I also did not say yes. I was just completely frozen up.
My parents found out about me losing my virginity but they did not ask anything about it. They assume I ran out and hooked up with my boyfriend. I could not get to the part of telling them I was frozen in fear. My dad lined the whole family up on the couch after drinking and screamed at me in front of them all. He called me horrendous names such as the neighborhood f*** bunny. I was horrified. I felt fortunate enough that he did not beat me this time though. My mom did as she always does and just watched. I was then sent to my room. My life forever changed from later on that night.
Everyone went to bed, I was sleeping by then. My sister’s boyfriend woke me up and asked me to talk. He made me uncomfortable because he would smack my butt whenever my sister wasn’t looking. But as always, I listened. He took me to the kitchen and said “I know tonight was hard. I just want to let you know if you ever need anything, I am here for you as a brother… a boyfriend…”. I stopped him right there and said BOYFRIEND?! He laughed, said yes and started walking towards me. By this point, I was cornered and terrified. My mom ended up walking in and asked what was going on. I ran as fast as I could back to my bed. She followed me and asked what happened, in a very angry tone. I was crying and told her the entire situation in which her response was “I don’t believe you”. She said it so angrily, disgusted and hateful. I felt my heart sink. I told her I was telling the truth but she left my room.
The next day I stayed at my grandparents. I did not feel safe at home with all of the high tensions. After a few days I told my mom I wanted to come home. She told me no, that I am to stay with my grandparents now. It all came together what she was saying. I was fourteen and kicked out of my own home because my sister’s boyfriend was sexually harassing me. I thought I could not feel anymore shattered until she said those words to me. I felt every ounce of me that was left just completely broke.
My mom went a whole year not talking to me. They all acted like I did not exist. Luckily, at my grandparents I was treated nicely, fed and clothed appropriately. I will forever be grateful for my grandparents for taking care of me when I was abandoned.
I probably just turned fifteen when I started coming back around my family. My mom confided in me that she and my sister’s boyfriend had been and still were sleeping together. She was very emotional and I could tell it was eating her up but not enough to stop. I was appalled but she told me if I were to tell, she would kill herself. I kept my mouth shut as she continued to sneak around. Little did I know that she would use me to benefit their relationship. It started as my mom telling me to cover for her as they snuck out together.
Then, one day it became horrifyingly worse. My abuse continued. She pulled me in her room and told me that she has a favor to ask. She continued with saying “He is going to pay me for it and I need the money to feed your siblings”. I asked what was going on and she told me she needed to take pictures of my butt in cheekie underwear, that she is going to sell them to my sister’s boyfriend. I felt like I was suffocating when she said that. My heart was racing, I was scared. I hate that I FROZE UP AGAIN. She got her photos and I left the house. I quickly went back home to my grandparents. When my mom wanted more, she would get me from school and do it again.
I felt lucky that only happened about five or so times but I could not believe how my mom sold pictures of me. I kept my mouth shut about this too. Who was I supposed to tell? Not my elderly grandparents that were told I was a trouble child. Not my sister who hated me. Not my dad who had a history of abusing me. I was all alone.