My boyfriend of 4 years would use that phrase a lot. Even when we weren’t fighting. May it be just him stepping out of his front door, 3 hrs into his work, or while we’re with friends. One time we were watching a movie at his living room, we were laughing, and I heard that phrase under his breath.
I never understood what he meant by saying it. But whenever he does, I feel a cold crippling shiver down my spine. Everything around me is silenced, and all I hear is the echo of those words. It stays like that for a few seconds before I can hear my heartbeat come back again. Then thoughts and phrases start rushing through my head.
Was I not good enough? Was I doing something wrong? Why couldn’t I make him happy?
He was my bestfriend and we shared everything. The world was never good to us so we become the good for each other. It was an amazing feeling to be with someone who love and understood you as you are.
But looking back into our relationship, more than half of the time the words coming out of him are negative. How he hates the people at his home, how nosy his co-workers were, how he felt unaccomplished, how he never had anything good in his life, how he felt that all the world’s bad luck are falling into him.
He meant the world to me. So hearing him complain how miserable his life is almost every day tore me. I hate that he feels pain. But I hated it more that my presence, my efforts to make him happy, my dedication to giving him the best of everything, doesn’t seem to make a difference for him.
Its almost a year since we separated. But those doubts still run through my thoughts. They are embedded in me.
Until I find the strength to enlighten myself, I will forever carry this burden.
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