The Night I Became A Nobody in Unafraid

Cold.

It was winter. Dark country night in the backyard. No light pollution. The freezing air wrapped around me tight. I welcomed the cold.

College didn’t work. Past two relationships didn’t work. Nothing was working. No matter how much I fought, no matter how hard I tried… Everything was slipping through my fingers. Right fucking in front of me.

I hated myself.

I sat there in that cold ass plastic chair getting as high as I possibly could. Anything to numb the pain. Anything to make me forget the hell of the past few years. The madness of it all. I just wanted to escape. To leave. But I felt like I couldn’t. I was stuck. Stuck in the same damn place I had always been.

I tried so hard to make something of myself, only to slide back further than I had ever been before.

So… As I looked up at the hundreds of stars, I began to wonder what the point of it all was. Why am I trying so hard if all that’s going to happen to me is I’ll fail time and time again?

Why try?

It was a question that rung in my head like a damn siren. Not in a “Oh, I’m sad, so what’s the point of life?” way, but a genuine question.

“Maybe you should just stop trying. Be a nobody. Who cares what others think of you? What have they done for you anyway?”

I felt… a strange feeling of peace wash over me. The personal revelation, mixed with the effects of the illicit substances I was consuming, sort of just merged into one feeling.

Just be a nobody.

No more worrying about what other people think. Fuck everyone else. Be a bum. A slob. A fucking hobo, I well and truly didn’t give a shit. I could let go. I could finally let go.

The shapes of the stars starting to contort. It was strange. I must’ve been baked out of my mind but… It’s almost like I could see the faces of people in my life in the stars. It was almost as if all these important people in my life (friends, relatives, etc.) were telling me that it was okay… Like they were giving me permission… Telling me to just go for it.

So I did. I became a nobody.

I stopped talking to a lot of people. I stopped caring about what others thought of me. I didn’t care about personal improvement. I didn’t care about “fixing” my problems anymore. I didn’t care about any of it. For my entire goddamn life, since I was 1 year old, I was thrust into the middle of a broken fucking household, a broken fucking family, a broken fucking life. I didnt care about any of that anymore. I was nobody. And nobodies don’t have to feel anything.

That was almost 4 years ago now. For these past 4 years, this mindset has carried me so far until this point. To a degree, it has been liberating. Not bothering with anything that I didn’t want to. If I wasn’t going to amount to anything no matter what, then there’s no pressure to try as hard. And I didnt.

But now… I’m not so sure. My birthday is right around the corner. 25 years old. Quarter of a century. It’s put a lot of things in perspective. When I look at my life now I’m just not satisfied. I have nothing to show for all the hard work I’ve done. All the sacrifices I’ve made. The friends I’ve lost. Nothing to show for it. I don’t just feel like a nobody… I feel like a loser. A loser that has fucked his life up at every turn. I don’t feel any better now than I did 4 years ago.

I don’t want to be a nobody anymore.
I want to be somebody.

I want all my sacrifices to be worth something. It can’t all be for nothing. I can’t let it be.

I’ve lost too much. But that doesn’t mean I need to lose more.