“Some days I’m afraid I’m already mourning
Already mourning you
Some nights I’m convinced I’m already dead”
I get so addicted to the way he makes me feel. I don’t know that all of it is strictly because of the power exchange aspect, either.
I’m thinking a lot today about how he said once that I have an “innocent and pure way of looking at things” and how I “always hold things up to the light” and that he feels undeserving of the pedestal I put him on. That was before our last “big” break up when we didn’t talk for three months.
When I’m missing him, I start out reminiscing all of our most beautiful moments, but then all the sad times start to replay and I begin to worry about repeating the past. Am I pushing him away by admiring him too much? If I hold back, is it not enough?
I know he talks about how I belong to him and I know how that makes me feel and how it feels true in so many ways…like I’ll always be tethered to him by the things we’ve shared and the secrets we keep in each other. But I also know that we can never really own a person. We can treasure the parts of them that they allow us to. Maybe I’ve allowed more than him. Maybe I’ve not allowed enough.
There’s probably no sense in beating myself up or being disappointed in him for when he moves away from me like this. We give what we can and I love him, I do. I think sometimes in spite of the fact that we will probably never meet in person and all of the darker shades of secrecy, that this is the purest love I’ve ever felt for someone. Willing to accept them completely as they are. Feeling accepted completely as I am.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to find something like this again. In spite of all the things wrong with what we have and the times I suffer and tell myself I deserve it…if our circumstances were different or our experiences were different, I think we would do each other only good.
I long for him from all the deepest parts of myself. I can pretend I’m okay to everyone else, but he knows better. He knows how lost I am without him and I think he feels bad about it, but also loves it at the same time. He gets more certainty from me than I do from him in certain things.
We aren’t perfect. I can be a lot to handle. I can be intense and moody. He can be those things too. But, there is no hurt quite like the one I feel when he is distant like this.
I sent him pictures I think he would like. It’s always been below my dignity to chase after anyone and I hate feeling like I’m throwing myself at anyone. But I hope he likes the pictures and I hope he responds positively and recognizes that he’s on my mind and I’d worship him if he’d let me.
Loading comments...