(TW! abuse) difference in living dreaming in To not be here

Here’s a sudden change in setting, I usually type whatever I feel at 3rd period (Spanish Class) but as of now I’m at 2nd period (English Class). I’m kinda nervous right now. Basketball tryouts are soon but even though every coach and teacher who has seen me play basketball wants me to really join the team. Don’t get me wrong I really do love playing basketball and being able to show off the skills I’ve learned so far but I know there’s gonna be at least someone better than me and I tend to feel useless if I don’t see myself as the best. I understand there will always be someone better than you in something but this is different. I’d rather have the idea of playing basketball for my school and many other things rather than actually living it out. Daydreaming is way more fun than living real life ya’ know? It’s like in my mind I can be whoever I wanna be and I can do whatever I wanna do and there is no consequences or anyone to tell you what you are and what you aren’t. When I’m not doing classwork or helping my mom at home or doing anything else productive I write about what I want my world to be like and I sleep until I dream it all out. I haven’t lost touch with reality yet but I feel as though that would make living more exciting and more fun. I can’t keep living my reality where my mom has pre-cancer, and my step dad is in the process of getting deported unless he can pay the court and show him that he’s sorry, and my biological father was an abuser and is trying to get full custody of 2 out of all 4 of me and my siblings, and how every relationship I’ve ever had I fell wayyy too hard for them and none of them ended well on my end, and how my baby brother has a sickness that makes it hard for him to breathe, and how the only person in my life who actually listened to what I had to say, understood every part of it and I used to see her every day is now in an abusive relationship and while I was with her I witnessed the physical altercations and even now I remember how her partner had choked her and she was screaming for help and all I was bale to do was go under my bed and cry waiting for someone to call the cops or to knock on the door or do something to stop it because even though it was a year or two ago, at the time I was only 13 and I had no choice but to relive my childhood memories again except this time it was between someone else other than my mom or biological father. I don’t understand how I went from being a prodigy and getting straight A’s and almost moving up 2 grades to being someone who just wants to be able to get through the days and especially life and has to try so hard to find things to motivate her to even get out of bed and go to school. I never imagined myself as this kind of person but I’m trying to bring myself to at least learn to love life once again and to pick myself up without needing anyone else’s help. Till next time <3

Last updated October 19, 2021