Uncertainty in 2021

I do that weird thing with my leg when I’m sitting at a desk and I’m restless - the leg jiggling thing. I’m sure I drive people nuts, if I’m ever sitting too long and feeling some sort of way. My palms felt itchy when I pressed ‘submit’ on the application that might eventually land me into a new job. I’m not one to put all of my eggs into one basket, as I’ve spent the last several hours perusing the internet for various openings in many different specialties of my field. Cardiology, nephrology, urgent care, informatics, clinic jobs, triage, clinical consultant… the list went on and eventually began to add to the nerves that I was initially feeling after submitting the first job application I’d submitted in a long time.

The truth is, I know that I’m qualified for what I applied for - maybe even overqualified, with my experience. Perhaps that’s what scares me. Is the grass really greener somewhere else?

The anxiety before my shifts is getting out of hand - and this is coming from a person who has always had anxiety, but has been very high functioning and pretty well in control of it - never needing medications or anything of the sort to manage it. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I will say that my chest feels heavy when I’m preparing to go into work. My eyes burn with wetness as I wrestle with my frustration. ‘With all of my experience, why am I feeling this way?’ ‘I’ve handled the worst conceivable of situations, so why am I falling apart now?’ ‘Am I being a baby?’ ‘I need to suck it up.’ ‘Why do I feel nauseous?’ The truth is, I’m tired of running for thirteen hours straight with barely the prayer of a 15-30 minute break to scarf down any meal I might have had the hopeful foresight to bring with me. More and more lately, I feel like a rusty cog in a large machine. A body spread far too thin as more and more caring, compassionate people in my profession leave the field with far too few coming to replace them, there to fill a time slot. Not someone who is valued for their input and ideas, creativity, and critical thinking skills. Does something like that exist? The optimist in me says, yes, and that maybe I should begin looking.

Everything must suck a little bit. The trick seems to be to choose your suck. I’d rather my suck pay slightly less if it means I can spend my time off mindfully instead of losing sleep over my next shift.

That’s another thing - sleep.

What is working a day job like? I nearly can’t fathom working normal day-time hours, much less a job where I can complete my eight hours and still have time left in the day to run errands, spend time with family and friends, exercise, or prepare a meal.

I didn’t mean for this to be a complain-y entry. I’m thankful for a lot of things, and for the breadth of opportunities that my degree and experience offers me. Maybe it’s time that I start using it to explore all of my options to rekindle the joy that my field gives me and remind me why I chose to do it.