It’s October 11, 2021 in the Philippines. As of writing it’s 2AM, and raining. I’m 19 and as much I’d like to be on fire, I just feel cold.
I couldn’t sleep, but then again I haven’t tried. What’s the point? I know that I’ll just get hurt with my annoyingly lucid imaginations. That prompted me to write out my feelings.
In recent days, my heart’s been going back to a week ago where I found out a guy that I’ve met for a day “officially ghosted” me.
Well, at first we ghosted each other. I’ll get to the “official” later.
But it still hurts, and I’m not sure why. Sometimes I overthink it.
I’ve experienced these kinds of situations on multiple occasions already, but it never gets easier. I keep telling myself that I’d get used to it; the dating life and the hookup scene, but damn maybe I am emotionally sensitive.
I first talked to him from a hookup/dating app that’s commonly used in the Philippines. He was really nice and funny. We talked the whole night away! We found out that we have similar hobbies, interests, and experiences. So he suggested that maybe we should meet up, and being the sociable person I am, I told him “Sure, why not?”. We met the next day and found that he was my type — attractive. We talked for quite a while, and I’d like to think we enjoyed each other’s company. Even when we returned to our homes, we still talked to each other. He said he enjoyed the day, and I did as well.
Our consistent conversation persisted for a day or two until he just stopped being consistent.
It was obvious, he wouldn’t even bring a follow-up conversation to my messages, never bothered to even sustain a conversation, it felt like talking to a wall. The typical cold replies.
And of course, being the experienced person I am, I stopped too. I didn’t want to bother him. So of course, it’s now mutual ghosting.
So when did it become an official ghosting?
When he deleted our conversation history permanently on both ends. The platform I was using was called “Telegram”. For those who do not know, it’s an efficient app where privacy and security of conversation are really well met. One of the features is the ability to permanently delete a conversation history of all the parties concerned at a user’s discretion.
And that’s what he did.
But it wasn’t on the same day that we ghosted each other. No no, it was somewhen two weeks later.
(Also for context, I actually did not care at all when we ghosted each other.)
I discovered it when I wanted to go back to our conversation history to check something he mentioned before. It was not to reminiscence or anything, but because it was an important mention that I needed to know. But dang, to see that our conversation was deleted instead?
It hurts me unexpectedly. I knew that it was already over, but to have an actual concrete confirmation hurts.
That’s it, that’s the story. The guy I talked to and met, whom I’ve only known for less than a week, broke my heart. Obviously, I never saw him as a romantic option, I only saw him as someone that I can really be friends with — someone to enjoy and pass the time with.
Too quick to get hurt? Yes. Am I emotionally sensitive? Most likely yes. Can I do anything about it? I tried, but couldn’t.
I care about people.
I don’t know how he lost interest, maybe that’s just him or maybe it’s me. But either way, I’ll never really know.
I really cherish my experiences with people I wanted to have a connection with. I enjoy loving people, listening to them, helping them, and being with them. Which is why it’s so painful to feel this way.
Not knowing the why just leads to asking myself, ‘why’?
What did I learn from this? Always steel your heart no matter what happens. If I’m emotionally sensitive, the least I can do to better myself is to learn how to cope with these similar scenarios, or to know that there really are situations in life that are unavoidable. Heck, maybe even better myself from these experiences.
I realize that some things are just the way they are, and it’s up to me how I can control how I feel and do when the situation develops. Be it may before, or after.
Did I learn something in this short encounter? Yes.
Did it have a lasting effect? Yes.
Am I able to fully avoid these kinds of situations all the time? No.
Can I control how I feel about it, and what I will do? Absolutely yes.
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