The truth about marriage in Pretty sure he hates me

Now to pinpoint where it all actually went wrong. If I had to put money on it I would say it all started when my ex-husband decided to tell my husband I was talking to him behind his back and sending him pictures. Was it the truth? to some extent, yes. Did I talk to my ex in an emotional manner, sexual manner? absolutely not. It was about our kids and the hate my ex has with my new husband is mainly ego driven, this guy “took” me away once and destroyed our family. What he forgets is he’s placing blame on the wrong person, My husband isn’t to blame, my husband didn’t seek me out. I saw him and I wanted him I felt he was worth the risk, but that truth doesnt boost his ego it breaks it, so what better way to avoid the truth than too make a new truth, and that was it; My husband is the bad guy he is the one to blame our families blood is on his hands.
My track record isn’t the best considering I had an affair after a decade and 5 kids, but how long should I be punished for? When does one get to take the A off their shirt? is it even possible? I love this man, my soul loves this man. All the signs to leave are there but why can’t I go? im tiring him out I am draining him and I don’t know how to fix it. Hes screaming for help and im drowning him. Is this what I get for doing what I did? I now have to watch the love of my life lose himself because of me but I selfishly can’t, ill lose him again. I need him he makes me feel safe, wanted, beautiful and most of all loved. This same man also makes me feel dirty, used, unwanted, unlovable. How does that even happen??
We are currently about to hit 11 months into this marriage and we are both already so exhausted and beat up from it. Does it get better? better yet can it get better?I know I would do this all over again in a heartbeat, will he? as of right now I think hes out and not just hey I need a break, more of man I can’t wait for this to be over so I can breathe again. Every time I think of him feeling that way it hurts me to my core. It makes me feel sick I haven’t eaten and honestly its not all the other stuff we have going on besides our marriage. Its the fact that I don’t want to accept the fact that this man, might not even love me. He probably hates me. and it hurts to see him and not feel his skin on mine not feel his lips on mine. I watch videos just to hear him laugh because he looks so content. so happy.
if I could give him the world I would. All I want is for him to be happy, for him to be fulfilled but I am not the one to do that to him I cause chaos and destroy everything I have. If I would of known I was destined to destroy everything I love I would of saved him. I would of saved him from the storm that I am. I would shelter him from afar.