Another loving lie in To not be here

I found out recently that the person I admired and talked so highly about cheated on me. With the same girl he had asked me to quote: “have a 3some” with. Everyone was telling me and trying to warn me that he would eventually show his true colors but I was too in love to see that. I found out he cheated by the words of his ex best friend and everything he chose to tell me. After the breakup he followed her on Instagram and they now have matching usernames. It seems like a very small, what’s the word? crisis I guess you could say, but to me, it broke my heart into more pieces it has ever been before. He once told me he wanted me forever, which was the day before we broke up. He also once told me that I could never be replaced and that no one would ever have his heart like i did, He lied. I confronted him about what I knew and showed him the messages I had received as evidence. He confessed. He confessed but he laughed about the entire thing and when I asked him about why he was laughing he also confessed that the multiple times he broke up with me wasn’t because of the distance, it was because he couldn’t handle the guilty feeling that followed his choice of cheating. He then blocked me on everything and I felt like life was going downhill from there. Only getting worse. I couldn’t eat. I could barely sleep even though I was barely able to keep my eyes open as a result of crying so hard until I couldn’t feel anything at all. Truth is I’d rather feel nothing at all than feeling like I was unlovable or not enough. It’s only been a few days but it feels as though years has passed. I’m still trying to figure myself out and trying to convince myself that life is still worth living even if it’s without you. At times I could only imagine you and her and everything you both did with each other without my knowledge during the days I stayed at home crying wishing I could give you better love, crying and wondering why the boy I loved so much was starting to want nothing to do with me, Throwing things and lashing out of anger because I couldn’t stand that everyone was trying to tell me about how you actually were and that things would end exactly like this. Even now I miss the words you formed and said to me through out the time we were together. “I am yours and you are mine” I love your sweet lies. I love the false hope you’d given me. I love that you were so able to convince me that I was enough and our future would be beautiful. I forgive you even though I cannot tell you, but I cannot forget what you did, as it was the cause of me feeling like I was drowning and slowly dying because of your actions. I’m not living for you anymore. I am living for me. Luv you <3

Last updated October 06, 2021