From the first moment I saw you I had butterflies in my stomach. Your big curly dark hair and your tattoos amazed me and you were so absolutely beautiful to me. I never thought I’d speak to you. I figured you were much older and could never be interested in me. Every Friday I would go back to the place I first laid my eyes on you hoping that you would be there and you usually were. Then one of those fridays I saw my brothers girlfriend there and my friends told her we only come so I can look at that guy over there. She was like “Oh, I know him. Let’s go talk to him”… I freaked out. I was actually going to meet you and I did. We added each other on facebook that night and started talking. Then eventually met up. I still remember the first time we met up like it was yesterday. You were such a gentleman. You made me noodles and we watch movies for hours. I had butterflies in my stomach the entire time. We then had a tickle fight. Then you literally made me feel weightless and lifted me off my feet, carrying me down a long set of stairs into your room. We didn’t do anything that night.. we didn’t even kiss. We just stared into each others eyes underneath the blanket and rubbed our noses together. Because we were under the blanket I felt like I couldn’t breathe but it didn’t matter. I was so happy I could cry. When I woke up the next morning I looked down into a puddle of blood. My nose had bled all over your white duvet. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. You were so sweet to me though and told me you’d take care of it and you did.
As I’m writing this I keep thinking of all the red flags I should have noticed like how that night you still had a girlfriend and how the next time we hung out you warned me that you were crazy.. but how was I supposed to know… I was 14. I just thought well at least he waited to kiss me until he had broken up with her. Little did I know that he was going to wait 3 years and then do the same thing to me… but not even break up with me before waiting to kiss her. Little did I know he was going to cuddle her in front of me and then tell me “we’re just friends.. stop acting crazy” as they are holding hands in front of me.. In the beginning you made me feel weightless but by the end you made me feel like I was nothing at all and didn’t matter.
You then broke up with me and I knew it was because you wanted to fuck her. But you claimed it had nothing to do with her. Then you’d go on to have sex with me after we were broken up because you knew I still loved you and couldn’t resist but afterwards when I ask you if you want to shower with me you’d say “we aren’t dating anymore we have to get used to not doing things couples do”.. but you just had sex with me? You gave me hope and made me feel like you still wanted me… You crushed my heart into a million pieces.
My dad told you that you could continue living with us as long as you didn’t bring the girl you left me for over. You did exactly that. You brought her over. How could you do that to me? And why didn’t my dad tell you to leave when I was screaming at you two to just GO AWAY. I begged that you leave my house but you just looked at me like I was insane and continued on hanging out in my house while I screamed and pleaded to just go the fuck away so I didn’t have to feel so worthless.
TO THIS DAY my dad is still friends with you and I don’t think he understands how damaging that is to our relationship. I blame him that you’re an alcoholic now. I hate the fact that I had to see you constantly for years after breaking up because you still hung out with my dad. This was so upsetting to me. I felt that my dad didn’t give a fuck that you ripped my heart out.
You fucked me up.
It’s been years but for some reason I still think about you once in a while.
I have terrible memory usually but I can still perfectly see your facial features and the texture of your skin as you slept across from me. I still remember how you smelled and I think of you every time I walk by someone with your scent.
Maybe I was never in love with you after all… Maybe you were my first obsession…
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