ive been told this is a total bpd thing, to think that everyone hates you.
and well. yeah, i literally feel like every single person has some sort of ill feeling towards me, small or big, its there. and lately i feel like everyone is just sick of me and my depressed bullshit and i get it i mean same but also WHY why does everyone hate me? actually i get it, i deserve it. i dont deserve to be happy or have good friends that stick around.
anyways, bpd
i feel like im not living my life like someone is living it for me and its not even the right one. like this character had so much more planned for her and then she just stopped. she just got sad or lazy or whatever the fuck i am but im not what i saw or what i see. you know? yes to the love of my life but also no to this shitty apartment and this shitty town. i want to FEEL something to be able to leave the house you know? like i feel like i cant do that here like theres nothing for me to do in this town anyways but even if there were, would i be able to get up and leave the house?
i havent showered in three days.
i finally start work after being laid off - and then fired- for 4 months lmao and fuck me am i nervous. my fucking feet are not ready to be a waitress again. IM not ready to work a min wage job to not be able to live off it and not only that but my referral got sent through for a mental health day program and hopefully i get in soon but also starting my new job is scary. what if they arent okay with me taking the time off because im so new? it would suck to have to lose another job but also ive been waiting to go forever and tis way too important to me.
because i want to die. well. i want to be dead. and thats tiring. im tired im jsut done living this dull world. i need something so much more and heres hoping i can find it
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