i have been listening to 'Soldier' by Otherwise a lot lately. The drums have always been my favourite instrument and there is a lot of them in that song. The lyrics carry a meaning of 'never giving up', of 'never backing down from a fight' and it is good to believe in them. There's also one song from Linkin Park that really speaks to me and damn, I can feel my blood boils up with life when it comes up on my iphone. My phone is dead, by the way. The contract ended on May 4th and my father never told me about it, so I must find a way to get a phone for dirt cheap because I can't afford that 100$ bill that just sprang up on me, thanks to my father again. He knows I'm happily slipping away from him, getting a dog, which he disapproves heartily and his control-freak self tries to bring my back to the pace. He should know better, really.
It's been a very interesting two weeks, I will be honest with you. Work shitted on me before my vacation and I ended up working 50hours again, tackling 8 + 36 + 8 + 24 shifts back to back. It killed me. Add the exams on top of that and that's bullshit hours, seriously.But I was ready to go through that if it meant 1 week of peace away from pretty much everything, but the boyfriend.
My flights went without adventures and it was a smooth ride. Toronto was bumpy and frustrating and god do I hate this airport with a freaking passion. I was ready to call it quits after walking 5.2km (I checked and tracked) to go from my gate, to customs, to security check, to baggage claim, to customs again, to another security check, to my other gate, only to have a change of gate sprung up on us 30min before boarding time. If you can, never, never get a connection to Pearsons, you'll be hating your life. Beside that? perf. ride!
Met with Collin and it was peaceful, quiet time. I went to the community meeting that he holds every saturday, but this one was special: it was the picnic! I will be honest to say I do not understand everything that there is to his community but he is passionate about it, he is willing to teach the reasoning, provide answers to my questions and the people I met, the very few who understood the back off I'm tired, please let me be your friend language, were incredible human beings! I was happy to dinner with them on Monday, to see them interact and to meet with them again on Wednesday. Beside that, we went to the May Day parade on Sunday and it was very interesting! I hadn't expecting anything, but I hadn't expected that either! There was a giant metallic bear (or dragon, we can't agree on what the hell this was) with a skatepark inside the belly. People were boardskating! Then, there was that huge ferris wheel at the back and PEOPLE WERE RIDING IT. I can't believe they were people mad enough to do that. At the very far end of that monster, was a rotisserie with goat (!) meat and possibly pork and there were these two guys taking care of it and giving away food. Seriously, just for that, that parade was worth it.
It went on for three hours but despite the lull moments, the rest was awesome. DRUMS. Everywhere, it melted my heart. I have plenty of pictures but they're going to go on facebook and deviantart. We went to Collin's mom and the first thing she did, after hugging me, was to open that bottle of wine and three cups of wine later, I was in happy land. I got asked several questions and was happy to provide answers, since there was nothing of that 'I'm grilling you, grr' attitude that Collin had talked about. I was more interesting in Tasha than interacting with the family, ops. Goddamn dogs, seriously. Anyway, Collin grilled that delicious, delicious food and damn was it good!
We went to Como Zoo and Como Conservatory on Monday and holy crap these habitats are tiny! The zoo is renovating everything, which, for a non-profit, is a huge ordeal. The animals were very well taken care of and it showed. They didn't have that obsessive behaviour most animals have when in cage, and the seals are going to have a grandiose habitat next year. The polar bears were sleeping - no, everything was sleeping when we went there, but the mountain goat. Of course, we made Cullin jokes.
We went walking down Stillwater Downtown, ate at Mama's nachos and I had one of the best margaritas I've had in my life. Cue the faces I made at the sour taste and the straight tequila I was drinking at the end, and cue the laughs from Collin.
That week was pretty much a mix of excellent food and excellent time and we both came to a lot of realizations as persons and as a couple. We are in sync, pretty much. We are good friends, before being a couple. We talk, we listen, we argue sometimes, we shout at things outside, we drive to see houses, we laugh, we walk, we hold hands (sometimes) but most of all, we are comfortable around each other. I think, the greatest compliment I could make is 'I am able to sleep beside you and have a good night of sleep'. I have all the reasons in the world to be uncomfortable sleeping beside someone, anyone. I struggle to fit, to be comfortable, to allow a moment of weakness, but not with Collin. He's got his dreams that jerk me up awake sometimes, he shakes, shivers, murmurs, but I can sleep through most of it, and although he wakes up at ass hour, I can sleep and have all the bed to myself. (!) I am not a cuddly person, I like the air to be cold, the house to be even colder and the night to be completely freezing and having something warm beside me is just a nono, but we manage to cuddle sometimes, and just rest.
Nothing felt rushed, forced, provoked. It was like rolling down a hill, happily, comfortably. We talked about what we were to each other, what we could do together. It's difficult to explain how it feels but I care deeply for this man. Having a conversation is easy with him and I believe I miss that the most with the people I am friends with here in Canada.
I can't have conversations. We have grown to be strangers, my friends and I. I am not a priority, a friend to go to when we want to. I am that person that lives afar, that doesn't talk about the same things anymore, that doesn't have the same roleplaying games anymore, that is not invited to play boardgames or to have a party. And you know what? I'm tired of fighting to be part of that group that tries so hard to reject me.
I am ready to quit this place because holy crap do I feel out of place. No one is talking about Russia, about Ukraine, about human rights, or intelligence gathering, or languages, or the love of linguistics, or horses and music. No once listens to the music I do, or want to go to shows, or is willing to sacrifice to go somewhere with me.
That huge rock show I want to go? I will probably end up going alone with murphy. It's... disappointing, but not surprising. And that's the greatest indication of me being done with this place.
I miss the easiness that I have with Collin.
And God keeps laughing and sending me all these people from Minnesota to talk about the Como Zoo. I found 5$ in the airport, my legs stopped hurting and I can walk, and my lungs are healthy again. And I swear, I can hear His laugh.
Loading comments...