34 years ago my life began. A seemingly normal start to a life that would unfold into several tragedies. As bad things happen, as they often do in life, one can’t help but to ask the questions, “How do these events shape a person 20 or 30 years later?” “Should they still affect us?” “What happens when we turn away from that trauma?” These are all questions that many have pondered, some are satisfied with thier version of answers, and others are oblivious to the events that caused them trauma.
Now that I begin to grow older and understand some of the events that transpired in my past, I am still left with a curiosity as to how they effect my life so many years later. Drug addiction, and abuse in front of me as a kid has left a feeling that everyone around me is hiding something. Mom’s suicide has ingrained a fear that everyone is going to leave me too soon. And the fact that my family watched as my Dad drank his fatherhood away has left me with trust issues that no one in my life has my best interest at their core.
“It’s a lonely road being at the top” An old army saying, dictating life as a leader in the branch. But the statement holds true to being a husband and father. Emotions are shunned, selfishness is not allowed, and individualism disappears for the sake of the greater good; family. No longer can the person that was, be anymore, if, they aspire to be great as a family unit. Don’t tiptoe outside the line because that line is the path to “TRUE” happiness. Family gatherings, child play, and romance (the boring kind where it’s forced) is now common place in the world where Rock concerts, sword fighting, and parties were once the norm.
So let’s take a dive into the journey. 18 year old me decides to run from a problem, Mom’s suicide. Moves across the country to an unknown place, leaving behind friends and family. Boy meets girl who gives him attention, sometimes the wrong kind. He believes it’s love, but is too young to see the differences between an infatuation of sexual desires and true love. These sexual desires turn into a pregnancy. Over the years the young man has turned into a loyal, honest, hard working man who believes in vows and always doing the right thing. It’s not this part that has changed. But the old self, has to transform into a new self to adapt to fatherhood and the sanctity of marriage. See, the old self got lost in the desire to ensure the survival in the marriage and the sanity of his wife. What started as a need to be wanted ended in the loss of a life. Now begs the question. What happens when the old self, realizes that new self is not who he was meant to be? What happens when he tells his wife that for 15 years the man she has been looking is a shell of the former self? That the relationship that was started out of loyalty was never going to amount to a loving husband and wife? Can those feeling be recreated to spark a true love life between the two. Can true intamacy and passion be created by two humans like a bioweapon in a lab?
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