I miss Cori.
At the very least, I'm going to drive to Minneapolis (yeah... from here in DC) for his graduation on the 18th. I'm going to stop at Catie's in Ohio on Wednesday, May 14th and drop off a little more (though the more I think about it... I really did bring most of what I need in that first round... at this point it's just everything in my bathroom and all my clothes, my firesafe, printer, laptop, and a couple other things).
Then on the 15th I will drive to Stevens Point, WI and stay there a couple days, then maybe see my grandpa for lunch that Saturday the 17th and head over to Minneapolis that day. I may or may not have to spend the night at Cori's friend's house if Cori's brother is coming (and Cori tells me, knowing his brother, he'll probably wait until the last minute to say whether or not he's coming).
I'm a little upset with Cori because he forgot I said I was coming out and took an extra shift on Sunday evening, and of course the week I'm there he works Tuesday night (usually he alternates). And since all of his shifts are midnight-8:30 am... well, I'm barely going to see him at all, really. I know he has to make money, and I know he has a job and I don't, but I'm kind of upset that he took an extra shift. I didn't expect him to request off (though I mentioned it a while back and he didn't seem keen on the idea) but I was a little bummed he said he picked up the next two Sundays. When he told me that, I said, "Wait, as in this Sunday and then the Sunday you graduate ?" And he said yes.
I tried so hard not to sound like a bitch. After all, I was expecting to not see him again until late-July or mid-August (after seeing him last on January 3rd). And I know he needs to make money, and I know he works overnight. And I know part of this trip also includes seeing my grandpa. But yeah, I'm being a little selfish here. And honestly, I think it's okay for me to be. Every time I visit him, I try to be as unobtrusive as possible and I didn't let him pay for anything because I knew what his money situation was, I paid for my own plane tickets and the plane ticket for him to visit over Christmas, and I even visited him when he was at work at the school and he was gone most of the last day I was there in October... anyway, I know even seeing him for a little bit is going to be great. But for some reason, hearing him saying he picked up an extra shift and then he said he forgot that's the day I was visiting... that just upset me. It's not that I feel he owes me, but... oh, I don't know.
But all the while I know this is me being selfish. I wish there was a way he could say "Hey, I said I could work this day but forgot I was actually going to be doing something else, can you take me off the schedule ?" but I'm pretty sure he won't do it. And he's always telling me I need to be more selfish and I need to be more confident and assertive and the ONE time I feel I'm being completely selfish, I'm going to come off as a whiny, needy bitch. And yesterday I had some strange vomiting bug that I feel is connected to my birth control pill, and when I called today to see if I could see my gynecologist, there's basically nothing available within my own schedule until June, when I plan to be in Ohio and out of my covered area. So it's a combo of things that are making me upset about this.
And beyond THAT, dad is being overly negative again and saying, "Well, what if she doesn't find a job ? I'm not subsidizing her to be a layabout" and it hurts me for two reasons. One is that half the reason I never got another job here was because I spent the majority of January and February being deathly ill and having several urgent care visits, and the second is that once Cori found out he'd be going to UC, what point was there in me trying to find a job here that I was only going to be at for a couple months ? Not only that, but I don't like how he throws around the idea of subsidizing me. He continually forgets that he paid for all of my brother's tuition (and everything else, except beer money) for college and only a little more than half mine. Were we in different financial situations ? Yes. But did I go to a more expensive school than Nate ? No. Actually, his school currently has a higher tuition rate than my school does (I'm comparing prices now). But I'm going to need help at least for the first few months, and I don't like how one day dad says he is willing to help me and the next he says he won't... but I guess most people don't have that kind of help at all.
I'm being selfish again.
Also, I'm at 171 pounds. I was at 159 in December. Well, more like fluctuating between 159 and 161. And I've been really good the last three weeks... averaging about 1500 calories a day which is actually a bit less than my allotted budget in order to make up a deficit for me to lose one pound per week. I've been consistently taking Evie on walks or using the treadmill and the damn scale was actually up to 174 a couple days ago (though that might have been my usual "gain 3-5 pounds before my period" thing that ALWAYS happens). Talk about feeling like I'm losing ground.
~Rachel
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