Hey, BGB here. I’ve lost a friend recently. No, they didn’t pass away. For anonymity reasons I will refer to them as Motor because they have no relation to any situation related to the word.
Motor was a fast friend, and a very good one at that. I’d genuinely say that, within the specific friend-group that we shared, they were my best friend, which makes the entire scenario all the more painful.
Motor had problems, but so does everyone and I wouldn’t let that affect my opinion of someone unless they were harmful to the self or others. Unfortunately, some of those issues were. Motor is obsessed, and I don’t use that word lightly given the true severity, but I really mean obsessed with finding a romantic partner. We are near the same age, but they so desperately want to start a family and be a parent. Given how young we are (we’re close in age), and how non-stable most peoples lives are at this age, theirs included, this is worrying to me. What was also worrying to me was how they treated the entirely of the opposite sex. They very plainly saw every member of the opposite first through a “can they cant they be a mate” filter before seeing them as people, it was incredibly apparent in how often they spoke of random and new members of the opposite sex and how as well. They were refusing all advice on bringing up certain topics with their therapist when it was obvious from many outsider perspectives that it was an issue that needed help. Being a member of the opposite sex from them, it was uncomfortable for me in general, as well as being their (against my will, i was peer pressured into it) go-to for mate advice, which was hell when my insider perspective was always ignored or disputed. It became extremely hard on my mental health to be friends with this person, so I did a mean thing and went ghost for a few days to pull myself away from the bad mental space it was putting me in. I returned in a few days and aired my grievances to them, as well as apologizing several times for disappearing and asking for certain other harmful behaviors to stop for the sake of my mental health, and I was immediately ghosted without even a pinprick of acknowledgement. It’s been well over a week, perhaps now two, but they quickly removed me from most social media. I felt absolutely shitty for a while, going through phases of “you can’t call me family then throw me out the next day” and “should I have kept it to myself and suffered in silence for their benefit” and it did hit a head where I had a complete breakdown about it and hurt myself a lot, which I still have scars from despite being nearly a week ago now. Emotionally I’ve become void to the situation. I’ve been mourning, as its apparent our friendship is over and I’ll have no closure for it and that just doesn’t matter to them. If I mattered to them in the way they had mattered to me, it would have been worked out. Its painful to lose a friend, especially when I was willing to suffer so much for the illusion of peace when I was dying inside from the toxic behaviors. Sometimes we have a better, deeper, more passionate heart than those we allow in it, and while it hurts to have it shattered and need to put it back together more alone than before, it doesn’t stop me from loving as purely as I love.
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