Brandy on my lips. I went for a shower tonight- as I was closing the curtains, a flashback of him. So many nights I bathed myself to perfection.. drunk..... waiting for his love. All the soaps and lotions and sprays- then another alcoholic beverage… and another..and another.. the taste of booze on my tongue. Not that it would have deterred my actions. He loved it. Vodka. Or gin, or fireball.. he loved the taste.
My husband lying in bed while I shower, thinking of another man. Who.. What the fuck am I?
I pour another glass.
Work is stressful. We launch a new game next month. I’m in over my head. I’m tired. All the drama from the neighbors has me spent. I didn’t do anything wrong, yet they are distant with hate. This weekend, I saw two of them at the market.... “Hey girl!!” they say..... BYE. I called them on their bullshit. They both agreed that the other neighbor is out of her mind. Why the cold shoulder from them, then? (I’ve exhausted myself and don’t have an answer.)
I knew this- my therapist told me so.
I see her again on Thursday. I think I will mention the affair.. Even though it’s been over a year, my best friend and I broke up over it and I’m distraught. I’ve told a few people, but my heart still hurts. Maybe she can help me..?
I close my eyes and see him. I bought a new bed.. It sucks, but I’ve never fucked him in it. My home- I still see him in it, my couch, the hot tub… everything else, I cannot replace as easy. My heart hurts.
- My glass is empty, I need a refill. Hold.
I’m in the kitchen on my laptop and my husband in our bed. He suspects nothing and never has- I don’t even expect him to think I’m writing again. He’s probably sleeping.. where as I’m getting shit-faced on a Tuesday (like that even matters) writing about the man I had an affair with.
I had an app on my phone (calculator+) and it has not updated to the new apple upgrade.. so far, I’ve lost all photos of HIM and I. I rarely look at them now days, but, It’s sad that I don’t have them.
He would come here and take me at the front door.. all of me. I wanted it. I wanted him. He knew it. He wanted me, too. Fireball and apple juice was the main drink of choice in the fall of 2019.. When things were simpler for EVERYONE. He didn’t drink much, but he loved to taste it on my lips. Clean and giddy in love. I loved bathing for him and drowning myself in Bath and Body Works In the Stars spray mixed with Cactus Blossom.
I literally cannot smell the mixture together now days. It makes me physically ill.
Anyhow.
I’m drunk and it’s midnight, I have work at 8.
Dealing one day at a time.
Fin.
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