Who I Am Today - Overall in What's Happening Within Me

Hi, I’m BGB. I’m not used to writing about myself in this sense, so forgive the awkwardness. Who, or what, am I today? I don’t know. I’m unwell. I’m sick. I hurt myself, yet this is the healthiest I’ve ever been socially. I’m trying to escape a shitty living situation, but it will financially kill me if I take the leap. I get five to six hours of sleep if I’m lucky, I used to get eight easy. A shocking amount of my hair has turned grey and I’m unsure how I feel about it. I need help. I need therapy, meds, tests, something. I need to know what’s wrong with me. I can only make guesses. Do I have BPD? Do I have autism? Do I have depression? I think I do, I have to, otherwise I can’t understand what is so wrong with me. I feel like a half finished puzzle, and the pieces remaining to try aren’t even the same image as what’s already together. I’m hurting and I hurt. I’m loving and I’m loved, but I’m terrified I’m subconsciously using. I passed the threshold I set for my life expectancy, and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m trying harder to pursue my interests, yet it feels like I’m making no progress to grow my skills and heart and mind.
I don’t know, but that’s whoabouts I am lately.